About seven years ago, Dr Tara Suwinyattichaiporn decided to prioritise one key thing in her life above everything else: her own sexual satisfaction.
It’s a bold philosophy in an age where less and less of us are having sex, with young people particularly struggling when it comes to physical intimacy. The generation who grew up grappling with the effects of online porn exposure are now navigating digital landscapes littered with ‘nudify’ apps and deepfakes. The stakes, when it comes to frank discussions around sexual health and wellness, have perhaps never been higher (no matter how classically awkward and British we might feel while having a go). Sexual wellness, the doctor says, should be everyone’s priority.
“Pleasure is medicine,” the sex and relationships expert explained on The Independent’s Well Enough podcast. “When you consistently experience pleasure, it improves your heart health, your immune system, and your mental health. Of all the things in my life, orgasms give me the best return on investment.”
And the benefits haven’t just stopped there. Dr Tara’s relationships have flourished, both with her husband and the people she dates outside of her marriage. She gets to pursue her passion of sex coaching and education, and beams that she makes ‘so much more’ money than before. “I have all these opportunities I couldn’t have imagined, and all of it has come from me focusing on the deepest part of myself.”
Opportunities like founding ‘Luvbites’, a coaching platform offering workshops and private coaching for sex, love, and relationships. Suwinyattichaiporn is also the in-house dating expert for E4’s Celebs Go Dating, as well as writing the ‘Sexplore with Dr. Tara’ column for Women’s Health Magazine.
Dr Tara’s number one tip for sexual wellness is simple. “Masturbation. I’m always so surprised at how many women, especially, don’t masturbate. Like, come on. Orgasming is so great for you. You can’t fight the science.”
During orgasm, the brain releases serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin, otherwise known as the ‘happy’ hormones. There’s even research to suggest orgasms could ease the symptoms of menopause.
Tara believes that masturbation should be a part of everyone’s daily routine, especially in the morning. “It’s like starting the day with the best happy mood cocktail possible. You can carry on with the day with more confidence, more assertiveness, feeling yourself, good mood, making better decisions, better mental clarity.” And, of course, most importantly: it’s free.
“I did this morning, before recording this podcast.” she laughs, “I think it just makes me show up better.”
Her advice, while simple, does come with an important nuance: keep experimenting. Not only does it do the creative brain a world of good to keep trying new things, but it encourages intimacy between partners, and stops sex lives from getting repetitive or stale.
If variety is lacking, Dr Tara warns, it can lead to something called idiosyncratic masturbation. This happens – to men and women – when the brain becomes attached to only one sensation for pleasure, which can make it hard to orgasm during sex with a partner. “If you use only use one vibrator all the time, the neural pathways become attached to only that type of sensation. That’s why I use multiple different types of sex toys, both alone and with a partner.”
It’s clear, then, that sexual wellness is not always quite as simple as ‘just’ having more good sex. The expert explains that when we speak about our sexual wellbeing, there are three important pillars to consider: the relational, social, and personal. Typically, most people over-emphasise the relational aspect of sex, which focuses on our sexual experiences with other people.
“One of the top questions I get from married couples is: how many times should we have sex in a week? People are so worried that they’re comparing themselves to other couples. But really, it comes down to sexual communication. The questions should be, are you having conversations about sex? Are you able to share the sexual explorations you want to try?”
The second aspect is what Dr Tara says is “the trickiest to solve.” The societal element of sexual wellness revolves around community and culture. This is where wider sex positive – or, more commonly, sex negative – attitudes impact our individual sex lives. “You could be someone who is open to exploration, loves your own sexual identity, and is ready to talk to your partner about all of that.
“But if you’re in a very narrow minded culture, where you don’t get to communicate, you can’t live unapologetically. That’s a problem. So we need more people to take care of themselves sexually. If you have a room of a hundred people, and 50% of the people there are sexually well, they can help solve the big problem of sexual shame in our society and help other people feel better.”
Finally, personal sexual wellness is, as the name suggests, personal. It’s about all the things which go on behind closed doors without a partner. This is where we reckon with our sexual self-esteem (how confident we are in the bedroom). This is where body image and insecurities often rear their heads. The amount of sex education we’ve recieved will also have an impact, which in turn influences our understanding of our own sexuality. For many, it’s this lack of understanding or knowledge around sex which becomes the first hurdle to better sexual wellness, because it’s very hard to get to know something which you’re unable to name.
“When I look at people who I know struggle with their pleasure and sexuality, they don’t excude the same energy as people who experience pleasure regularly. Even though they may do well at work, I can tell just based on energy that there’s something blocked.”
That blockage is a systemic problem, Dr Tara argues. “Medical doctors were not trained to have a dialogue about sexual wellness, sexual communication, or even relationship health. So when you go see a doctor, it is just about physical pain, and it’s about curing or treating the problem. They can’t help you fix relational trauma. They can’t help you fix lack of family sex communication as you grow up. They can’t help you fix the negative effects of purity culture because they themselves probably struggle with the same thing.”
Finding your own sexual wellness can start in small ways, but it always comes back to the root issue of sexual self-esteem. “It’s exactly the same as what any psychologist would say. You have to consistently achieve something small,” Tara explains. Consistency builds trust: I can do this. I am capable. “That feeling is the first step. The other things, like self-worth, come together later.”
Another great way to build sexual wellness is education, Dr Tara notes, because apprehension stems from a lack of information. Reading about human sexuality is a great way to broaden your understanding of the cultural and biological forces at play. “I love Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are, and She Comes First by Ian Kerner.”
But the doctor stresses the importance of being careful with what you’re consuming. “If you find a sex expert you like, Google them. Look into what their credentials are, and what sort of work they’ve done in the past. If their teachings tend to be black and white, that’s a red flag. Don’t trust anyone who says ‘if you do X, you’re doomed, if you don’t do X, you’ll be divorced tomorrow,’ because sexual wellness is very nuanced.”
Watch the full episode of Well Enough with Dr Tara on YouTube, or listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
