Helen Coffey’s piece on parental estrangement has prompted a torrent of emotional responses from Independent readers, many of whom shared deeply personal stories of family breakdown and reconciliation.
Several spoke of cutting ties with family after years of abuse, neglect or manipulation – for some, a painful but necessary act of self-preservation.
One reader described going “no contact” with her daughter after enduring years of emotional torment, while another recalled the relief of escaping an abusive, controlling mother, saying life was “100 per cent better without her”.
Others reflected on how changing social attitudes have reshaped family expectations. Some argued that society’s long-held belief in unconditional loyalty to parents can be damaging, insisting that respect must be earned rather than assumed.
But others expressed sorrow at what they saw as a growing trend towards severing ties too quickly, urging greater empathy, forgiveness and communication on both sides.
Here’s what you had to say:
Live and let live
After dealing with an estranged daughter for some time, I’ve come to realise it’s all in the situation of the child – that’s what matters most.
I learned to not let it consume my life, as my life has much more importance than someone who does not want to be in it. I have another child (who gives me the love that is lost from the other), a wife, a job – which all leads to “a life” outside of estrangement. Keep your head up and don’t make your adult child the only thing in your life worth living for.
SuchisLife
Spare a thought for everyone else
My brother is estranged from our elderly parents, which makes my relationships with both parties much more difficult. As I see it, forgive and forget is the only lasting way either side will find peace – not talking to each other just keeps the hurt alive and perpetuates it.
Davidsbundler
You’re not alone
To anyone who has had the heartbreaking decision of cutting out an abusive parent – you’re not alone. Do what you need to do to stay safe, secure and sane.
If you’re struggling alone, reach out to the Samaritans or a source that can help you understand. The Samaritans won’t tell you what to do; they’ll listen, giving you a chance to unload and unpack your thoughts. Best wishes and best of luck.
Gronger
Trying longer and harder than is good for us
I had a heart attack last year, ended up in ICU after an emergency admission. My daughter visited me and stayed for a week. My son didn’t even ring me – it hurt. Since he got married nine years ago, he makes no effort at all with myself and my wife. He is fully integrated into his wife’s family, goes on holiday with them, family celebrations, etc.
I used to try talking to him, but he just wasn’t interested. My wife now rings him once a month, and on birthdays and Christmas. He never rings her.
I am resigned to the prospect that now (he’s 36, with two small children) we will probably never have a meaningful relationship again. If he wasn’t my son, I would’ve cut myself off from him a long time ago and thought “good riddance”.
I think that’s the problem with family relationships – most of us try for longer and harder than is good for us or them. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to get along, and on the positive side, we don’t have to make so much wasted effort or put up with so many awkward silences anymore.
bloodwort
We cannot control other people, only ourselves
I tried for over 30 years with my mother. I sympathised and understood that she herself had been abused as a child and this led to her inability to be anything other than childlike and childish. As a child and then an adult, I was pushed into being a mother to her. Neither of my two siblings did that (I’m the middle child) – they just pushed her in my direction whenever she would become difficult.
As soon as I pushed back against it – as I had become disabled, had to stop work and could no longer support my mother’s moods and tantrums at any given time – the whole family turned on me, including two of my adult children. I suspect it had more to do with me becoming disabled and the fear (for them) of there being any expectation by me to help.
I’ve always stood on my own two feet and always knew that the support I offered would not be reciprocated. Their decision to cut ties with me ultimately resulted in my life being happier, calmer and lighter. The people in my life – my husband, youngest daughter and my friends – truly love, care for and appreciate me, and it turns out that is all a person needs. None of us get to choose our family; some will strike gold, others not. We cannot control other people, only ourselves.
Northerners
You aren’t entitled to respect
What about abusive parents, alcoholics or addicts? You aren’t entitled to respect just because you had a kid. Respect is a two-way street, and children quickly sense whether their parents respect them. That’s why there’s so much family conflict in places where parents force ideas or religions on their children before they’re old enough to understand choice.
I say this as a parent to a beautiful, independent almost-six-year-old girl. We make every effort to allow her to express herself and be who she is – exactly because our parents didn’t do that for us. You can’t force your kid to want to be around you; they only want to if they trust you, and that comes from validating them and their feelings. America is broken because of generations of bad parenting.
JD83
There was never anything for me
My brother cut himself off from my mother in 1984 or so and only reconciled ten years ago. I would have loved to do the same but felt it would be too hard for her to lose two sons to estrangement, so I stayed in contact.
It was hard – there was never anything for me in the relationship. Looking back, I think that was probably the right decision in those particular circumstances. But I can totally understand that cutting off completely is the best thing for some people to do.
RichT
I left home at 12 and have no regrets
I left home at 12 and went to live with my grandparents in England – no regrets. I relented and came to live near my mum for the last 20 years. It didn’t get better. My mum died a Trump supporter just before the last election.
She used to say, “I hope you have a daughter and she’s just like you.” Well, I did, she is, and it’s wonderful. I did spend a lot of my daughter’s youth apologising for things I said: “I’m sorry I said that – that’s something your grandmother used to say to me and it was hurtful and untrue.”
Verin
Life was 100% better without her
I never felt love from my mother. She was very controlling right up until I was 22. When I tried to stand up for myself, she threw me out. I wasn’t upset – it was like a dark cloud lifting. No one to beat me up anymore, no more abuse.
We’re told to honour our mother and father, but it doesn’t say what to do if your parents don’t honour you. I didn’t see her again. She’d been dead for over a year before I found out. Life was hell with her and I never shed a tear. Hard as that might sound, life was 100% better without her.
Happynan
I want her out of my life
Fantastic article discussing an important, neglected topic I relate to. I’ve wanted to estrange myself from my mother for several years. I was able to put off our issues for many years until her partner died a couple of years ago.
Since then, I’m more involved in her life and our issues are unavoidable. This is forcing me to understand how much I don’t like her – and want her out of my life.
AlanK
The pain remains
I wasn’t totally estranged, but pretty close. I never felt ill will toward my mother, but she must’ve felt it toward me because I was the only one who ever called her. She never called me. I even told her the phone works both ways, but that didn’t sink in.
I didn’t learn of her passing until days later, and then learned she had disinherited all of her kids and left everything she owned to the least deserving child. They tell me it’s called a mother’s love – maybe she felt the need to take care of the deadbeat.
The other kids absolutely despise her in death and won’t even speak her name. Her birthday isn’t celebrated, nor is anything else she left us. The pain she caused during her life remains. Sometimes estrangement carries on long after they’re gone.
HeyJackJablome
Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to be close
What about sisters? Mine never helped me when I lost my beloved father. She never had the decency to let me know when her father died two years later.
I’ve now cut off contact with her and feel so much better without her in my life. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to be close.
Alishopper
If you are experiencing feelings of distress and isolation, or are struggling to cope, The Samaritans offer support; you can speak to someone for free over the phone, in confidence, on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch.
Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.
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