Dear Vix,
I’ve been dating a guy I met online for about six weeks now. I thought it was going really well – we’ve been for drinks, dinner, to art galleries, gigs and parks… he’s stayed over at mine and I’ve stayed at his… (in fact, that side of things is going even better than “well” – it’s bloody fantastic. I haven’t had this kind of physical chemistry with someone in a long, long time.) He even stayed over four nights on the trot and had dinner waiting when I got home from work (he works from home and I don’t) – I was blown away. I haven’t been treated like this by someone in years.
I wasn’t prepared to feel so “coupley” with someone, so soon – and it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. But there’s a problem: the other day, he dropped into conversation that he’d been for a drink with someone else – aka on a date. I was dumbfounded. Shocked. I just about managed to pick my jaw up off the floor to mumble something like “Oh, cool” – but I just haven’t known what to say, since.
I didn’t think we had to have THAT conversation; I just assumed that he wouldn’t be spending four nights in a row in my bed and then going out on a date with someone else! Am I being taken for a fool? Am I in fact in a “situationship”? I’ve never understood what they were until now – and they’re dreadful.
Horrified
Dear Horrified,
Ah, the perils of making assumptions. I agree with you that the way he’s been acting – the way you’ve both been acting with each other – is extremely relationship-coded… you’ve been playing at domesticity: watching TV, sharing a bed, cooking for each other. But it is only playing. It is fiction. And that’s because it has only been six weeks.
The brutal truth is that you might not be on the same page when it comes to what you want, need or expect from a grown-up, adult relationship. But you simply won’t know until you ask.
There are plenty of people who like the IDEA of a relationship: the cosiness, the heady honeymoon sexy streak of the first few months… the dates, the flirting, the promise of something more long-lasting. But those same people often run – fast – in the face of something real. And that’s their own stuff, you see. It’s a cliche, but it really is nothing personal.
They might have an avoidant attachment style (though do, please, take the proliferation of TikTok memes and self-help books based on attachment style with a bit of a pinch of salt – they’re best used as guidance, rather than a hard and fast diagnosis) and bolt when they start feeling smothered or engulfed.
They could be hypersensitive to rejection and resort to the classic self-protective mechanism of: “jump first, before I’m pushed”. They could just be a f***boi – or they might simply have a different relationship style to you.
They may be poly or simply might not be looking for anything serious; they might – if asked – be completely confused as to why spending time with you while also seeing other people is a problem.
But have you asked? I understand six weeks can sometimes feel too soon to have the “what are we” chat that often leads to declaring exclusivity, but it doesn’t seem to be serving you not to know. It’s only causing you stress to feign this “cool girl” persona. If that’s not you, there’s zero shame in it. If you want a relationship, then it is completely within your right to say so. Be proud of it.
It is time to think hard about what you really want – and what this person is able to offer.
If you feel close enough to let him stay in your bed for four nights in a row, you really should feel able to ask a very simple question: “What are we?” – and to take him at his word. It’s on you, then, to decide if that works for you.
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