Amelia Reynoldsin Essex and
Laura Devlin
When Emma Davey met Ashley Southgate in 2015, she was on “cloud nine”.
Within a week of them dating, he told her he loved her, and within a month was talking about marriage, children, and their rosy future together.
“I thought I’d found my soulmate – it was just perfect,” says Emma, 36.
“There was so much attention and affection; he wanted to be with me all the time.”
Although she did not realise it at the time, Emma, who lived in Kent but has since moved to Essex, was in the grip of coercive or controlling behaviour in an intimate relationship.
It only became an offence the year they met, when domestic abuse charities heralded the passing of the Serious Crime Act 2015 as a “landmark moment”.
Coercive control can include isolating a person from friends and family, monitoring their time and taking control over aspects of their everyday life – such as where they can go, who they can see, what they can wear and when they can sleep.
It carries a maximum sentence of five years in prison.
Early on in their relationship, the red flags were there. Southgate questioned why Emma had “so many” male friends on Facebook – most of them old acquaintances from school – which made her feel she had to edit her profile.
“Then it was, ‘Why do you need to see your family so much? Do you need to see your friends?’ He made me feel I couldn’t speak to my mum and dad.”
He also bought her a whole new wardrobe, because he did not like that she had worn her clothes with other people.
“It was strange, but it’s done in such a manipulative way you think he’s doing you a favour,” she explains.
“Being taken to a shopping centre… into Reiss, Karen Millen, you think ‘Wow, this is amazing,’ but little did I know he was moulding me into exactly what he wanted.
“He actually said, ‘You’re like my dolly.'”
The control did not end there. “Financially, I worked within his company because he wanted full control over what I had money-wise, so I couldn’t leave,” says Emma.
“He bought me a car for my birthday, but he put a tracker on it and the keys could be taken away if I didn’t do as I was told. Everything had a consequence.
“He put cameras in every single room in the house so he could watch me and see what I was doing, and if I was out of camera shot he would ring me and say ‘Where are you? I can’t see you on camera.’
“It was all about power and control. My life was about trying to please him, all the time.
“Some days were good; the majority would be absolutely horrendous, where he would just tear me apart, pull me down, humiliate me in front of other people.”
Emma says she went to Kent Police a number of times, but it was only when she alleged Southgate had attacked her physically that she felt she was taken seriously.
She says she got frustrated with the lengthy investigation process, which she believes gave him plenty of opportunity for coercion and control.
“In that time, and it’s months and months, I deleted all texts and any bad pictures [of bruising and injuries], because he is telling me he is sorry and he will change, and he loves me – and I’m back on cloud nine.”
Emma says Southgate threw her out of their home, even throwing food out of the window, “saying ‘Here you go… you haven’t even got money for a loaf of bread.'”
All she had, she says, was a watch and a ring – which she sold in order to pay for a trip to Australia, where she sought refuge with a friend.
When Southgate got in touch on her return to the UK, she recorded everything – including his abusive texts and emails – something she found easier as she was no longer living with him.
When contacted by the , Kent Police confirmed it received a report of disturbance at an address in Sevenoaks in January 2022, and arrested Southgate.
After “extensive inquiries”, he was charged with various offences in April.
He admitted coercive or controlling behaviour and in November that year, then aged 56, was sentenced at Maidstone Crown Court to 19 months’ imprisonment.
He was also charged with assault and stalking. These charges were not pursued and were ordered to lie on file.
Det Ch Supt Rachael Cumberland, of Kent Police, says the force “takes all reports of coercion and control seriously and investigates allegations thoroughly based on the information available.
“Supporting and protecting victims is a key focus of the Kent Police Pledge and we always aim to provide the best possible service whilst also seeking to bring offenders to justice.
“We were pleased to be able to secure a positive outcome for this particular victim and commend her for having the courage to come forward and report the crimes committed against her.”
Sarah McManus, of Leeway, a charity that supports people experiencing domestic abuse in Norfolk and Suffolk, says: “Twenty-six per cent of adults in this country will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives, and it is increasing.
“Because of that prevalence, you will know somebody who is, or has been, a victim of domestic abuse.”
She agrees coercive and controlling behaviour is “a difficult charge to prove”.
“How did you get the proof that their behaviour is isolating you; that when you’re in your home, someone is calling you names and telling you you’re worthless?
“You could keep a diary, but you risk that being found by the perpetrator, and it’s difficult for police to investigate because court cases rely on evidence and obtaining that can be challenging for victims.”
She says it would help if society recognised what coercive control looks like, and for courts to have a better understanding.
Women’s Aid, among the organisations that campaigned for coercive and controlling behaviour to be recognised in law, says conviction rates remain “stubbornly low”.
“With the government [while in opposition] pledging to halve violence against women and girls in the next decade, more must be done to hold perpetrators accountable,” says its chief executive Farah Nazeer.
“To do this, the criminal justice system must provide survivors with a consistent response to their experiences of abuse.”
She says professionals need to undergo specialist domestic abuse training to truly understand the corrosive nature of coercive control and the experiences of survivors.
“Time and again, survivors tell us that the main barrier to seeking justice is the fear and experience of not being believed,” she says.
“By empowering women to come forward, by believing them when they do, we can go a long way towards eradicating domestic abuse.”
Set up by the Home Office in April, the National Centre for Violence Against Women and Girls and Public Protection works across law enforcement to support specialist knowledge and training in police forces.
Its deputy director, Claire Bell, says: “It’s vital that our officers recognise risks, and exercise professional curiosity to look beyond the immediate situation in front of them.
“We’ve made progress in the way that police identify and respond, which is reflected by increasing charge rates across the country, but we know there is more to do.
“We want women and girls to feel safe and confident reporting any instances of abuse to police, and when victims do come forward, swift action is taken to prevent any further harm and hold offenders to account.
“We will also spearhead new initiatives, learning, and best practice to help ensure that the police are providing the best possible service to victims of these awful crimes.”
Emma is now a qualified counsellor, and has even developed a mobile phone app that allows people experiencing coercive and controlling behaviour to secretly and safely store evidence.
Now the relationship is behind her, Emma says she is amazed she got through it.
“I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was just walking around in a fog; I didn’t know how to make a decision anymore,” she says.
“I didn’t trust myself; I was isolating. I wasn’t happy – I was so, so depressed, and I couldn’t see a way out.
“Now I look back and I think, ‘Wow, you’ve had to work so hard to get to where you are today.'”
