Choosing your parenting style can seem overwhelming: helicopter, free-range, Tiger Mom, lazy, F— Around and Find Out, attachment — and even just bad.
But there’s one that strikes to find a balance between being too present and not present enough for your kids: lighthouse parenting.
Dr. Ken Ginsburg first introduced the lighthouse parenting strategy in his 2015 book Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love With Expectations and Protection With Trust, exploring how adults can give children the unconditional love they need, while holding them to high expectations.
In the age-old dilemma about how to set boundaries for kids of any age, lighthouse parenting helps adults protect their children, while giving them the freedom to learn from life experiences.
Speaking to The Independent, certified school psychologist Dr. Tori Broems notes that in lighthouse parenting, you’re setting realistic expectations for your children.
“You’re the guide for your child. You want to give them a framework and blueprint to follow, while also understanding they might veer off that course sometimes,” she says. “You have to notice to yourself, ‘When am I jumping in? And maybe that jumping in is unhelpful to me. So, when is it actually helping my child grow, develop, and learn from their mistakes?”
An actual lighthouse is a warning sign for ships at sea. Therefore, you’re the guide that’s keeping your children from crashing into the rocks — both literally and figuratively — that lie ahead. You’re aiming to be a steady source for your children, so they continue to trust and confide in you when they have a problem.
So, are you a lighthouse parent?
Your approach to the style may depend on how old your child is and what situation they’re in. Clinical psychologist Dr. Erica Rozmid explains that a lighthouse parent would have a specific plan, to say, for letting their 17-year-old drive the family car.
“You would give them ground rules, like ‘You’re allowed to drive to and from school and you’re allowed to drive to your friend’s houses,’” Rozmid says. “However, a helicopter parent would do the opposite, like checking in every 10 minutes or checking the car’s mileage when their kids get home.”
When you’re a lighthouse parent for any child, how and what you say means everything. For example, if your child tells you they’re having an issue with friends at school, take their problem-solving skills into account first.
“How do they figure that conflict out? Lighthouse parents are going to open up the conversation with ‘Wow, that sounds really difficult, that you’re navigating that. What are you planning on doing?’” Broems explains. “You’re validating their concerns, having a conversation. You want to hear them out, as opposed to jumping in and solving all their problems.”
Why does it work?
Rozmid notes that if parents trust their children to face those challenges on their own, kids have more trust in themselves and the adults around them. However, children still know that their parents will step in when needed.
“This creates a really secure attachment where there’s this mutual relationship of: the parent is the one who is in charge, but also looks to their children to be the expert on themselves and their body to know what their limits are,” Rozmid says.
Who doesn’t it work for?
Lighthouse parenting isn’t for everyone. Broems notes that she wouldn’t recommend this approach for children with significant behavioral issues or special needs. With a child who’s on the autism spectrum and is nonverbal, you may have to be involved in multiple aspects of their lives — taking on a bit of the helicopter parenting style.
You also don’t always think lighthouse parenting tactics from the get-go. If you see that your child’s health or safety is at risk, of course, you’re going to immediately step in to help and protect them.
With any style of parenting, including lighthouse, you’re constantly adjusting your behaviors and reactions to figure out what works best for your child. “Parents have to be flexible,” Broems adds. “Every stage of your child’s life is different, and they’re going to throw you for a loop at any given point. So being able to go with the flow and do that is really helpful for you as a parent.”
