Dear Vix,
Both of my adult sons estranged me three years ago after my ex wrote a popular fiction book and described me accurately, as far as my looks and my parents go, anyway…
But that’s where the similarity stopped. He also wrote lies about me that I took drugs and was mentally ill and a cheater. That is not me at all – he was like that, not me. My boys believe him and his lies. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m devastated.
Yours,
Skatepg
Dear Skatepg,
When people we love tell lies to protect their own reputations, the hurt can linger for a long, long time. It’s not fair, right or just – and I can sense the desperation you are feeling to tell your side of the story.
From a practical point, did you know that you might have grounds to sue your ex for defamation – if you are identifiable (to someone else) from his description in his book? It depends on how far you want to take this, but you could explore the chances of mounting a libel case against him. I’d advise talking to a lawyer if this is something you want to pursue.
However, it sounds to me that what is really hurting is losing your voice – and your sons’ trust.
If your husband was the one taking drugs and cheating, then he’s doing quite the sophisticated number when it comes to reversing who was the real victim in this situation – a common tactic used by toxic and manipulative people to avoid accountability (it would be worth you looking up the acronym Darvo, which stands for “deny, attack and reverse victim and offender”) – and your sons, for now, believe him.
But sooner or later, someone’s lies catch up with them. Your sons may have estranged themselves from you in response to your ex’s fabrications right now, but once the initial shock wears off, I’d be willing to bet they will be thinking a lot about how likely it is that this portrayal is truly accurate when it comes to the mother they love.
I would be patient and wait for the situation to calm a little – just a little – and then I would ask to see your sons individually (not together), somewhere neutral, to talk about it. Ask them what their feelings were on reading the book. Ask them if they have any questions. Tell them you’ll answer whatever they want to ask you, honestly and accurately. Resist the lure of bad-mouthing your ex (however tempting – and believe me, I’m tempted to do it for you). Speak openly about your hurt.
Ask your sons if the depiction within those pages honestly and truthfully matches with the woman they know. Above all, avoid matching your ex’s smear campaign with one of your own. Keep it focused on you: who you are and what your values are. Clear up anything they’re not sure about. Speak with integrity. Leave them to draw their own conclusions. Speak your truth. Sooner or later, it usually wins out.
Failing that, write your own book. Except, this time, make it a memoir…
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