Dear Vix,
I feel deeply ashamed to admit this, but I don’t think I like my parents as people very much. Obviously they’re my parents – they did the best they could for me and gave me a home and food and worked hard to provide what little we had – and I’ll always be grateful for that.
I had a tough upbringing – we didn’t have much to spare, and it has taught me a lot about grafting and working hard and really setting your mind to “better yourself”.
But now that we are all adults, I find excuses not to see them very often, because honestly? I don’t really like spending time with them.
They have lived in the same house for 40 years, in a tiny place. As a result, they have “small town” views – they blame immigrants for everything, and if someone of a different race or sexuality appears on the TV, they’ll always make racist or homophobic comments about them.
I’m a gay man living in the capital – we couldn’t be more different. They idolise Nigel Farage and think Reform UK are the great hope for Britain – which I can’t bring myself to tell any of my liberal London friends. I find their views disgusting and depressing. I always bite back when I hear them say something awful, but I hate conflict, and it makes me shaky and upset. I find their constant suspicion of “others” so tiring and it makes me not want to see them.
How do I reconcile these differences and maintain some sort of relationship, even if the scales have fallen from my eyes and I think less of them? Or do I cut my losses and cut them off?
Sad Son
Dear Sad Son,
I can feel the grief in your dilemma. On the one hand, you sound like you have a deep appreciation for the way your parents raised you, under very trying circumstances. And I’d invite you to remember that, however you feel about their views now, you are who you are because – or in spite – of them. That can be worth reflecting on whenever we’re in situations (or conversations) that make us uncomfortable.
Would you be as passionate about equality and diversity today if you hadn’t felt the intrinsic wrongness of what you describe as “small town views”? Perhaps it was those exact views that cemented your own beliefs and made you so passionately opposed to intolerance.
I am not, under any circumstances, seeking to justify homophobic, transphobic or racist comments – they’re unacceptable wherever we find them. I also personally believe that these kinds of comments should always be challenged. If we allow them to pass without objection, then we risk being complicit.
Not speaking out when someone says something objectively wrong – even dangerous – also runs the danger of imbuing those comments with a veneer of acceptability. And that, in turn, can allow this kind of prejudiced and bigoted thinking to fester. So, bravo for not staying silent. I know how difficult that is, especially if you are conflict-averse.
The major issue here is, of course, the fact that your parents are making homophobic comments about people on the telly – when they have a gay son. I can completely understand why you feel so devastated, disgusted and disappointed.
It may be that your parents are doing that lazy, “but I didn’t mean you!” thing where people think they have immunity, because they “know someone who’s LGBT+”; or assume they can’t be called racist “because they have a Black friend”. Either way, they’re being (at best) thoughtless and (at worst) downright offensive.
How confident are you in talking to them about it? I think you should, for your own peace of mind. You absolutely have the right to point out that making negative comments about gay people on the TV affects you personally and deeply. And it simply isn’t acceptable. I would advise focusing on your feelings, rather than going on the attack: “It really hurts me when you say XYZ, because it makes me feel judged and invalidated” – rather than, “you can’t say that”. They’re more likely to listen and less likely to dismiss you.
As some kind of tonic, I’d also invite you to try, as difficult as it may feel, to put yourself in your parents’ shoes for a moment. They have lived in a “small town” for their whole lives, likely only ever encountering the same sorts of people. What does hatred and suspicion stem from? Fear. And fear stems from a lack of understanding. It is this fear that (in my opinion) people like Farage and Reform UK capitalise on. Stoking fear of “the other” gives them power – and power allows you to control.
Can you find it in you to hold some empathy for your parents? Consider that they, too, are the product of the views they grew up hearing. Of course, ideally we would all look to grow, learn and educate ourselves – and ultimately shed these horrible views, but they might not know how.
That’s why I think, not withstanding how hard this is, your voice is important. Take a break from seeing them (or limit the number of times you “go home”) to protect yourself – put in boundaries so that you’re not feeling drained or upset by each encounter. But when you do, keep doing what you’re doing and speaking up for what you know is right.
You’re helping them – and they love you. So we just have to hope that even the things that have been said in the heat of the moment might just be sinking in.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
