Dear Vix,
I’m a few months from turning 65, here in Canada. I live with my 33-year-old son, whereas my daughter is on her own and married. My daughter is very helpful and supportive, as is my son (but to a quieter degree).
In 2020, my common law wife died from Alzheimer’s. I was two weeks into my 59th year. I was laid off from my job in early 2022, then laid off again in August 2023.
I drink every day and smoke – the drinking is a lifelong habit, passed down from family. I am living off meagre savings that will run out within six months. My son does help financially a bit, but I am looking at the prospect of living with my daughter for survival and monetary help.
I’m losing any self-worth I had as a man or human being, and any grain of self-respect/pride/independence. I tend to be very stubborn in accepting help, as I feel asking for help is a sign of weakness. I also have heart issues where I’ve been told that to lessen the chance of a stroke, I need to quit drinking.
I keep telling myself that all I want is PEACE AND CONTENTMENT – but while writing this letter, I feel that pigs will fly first. I’m getting quite tired of digging through the s*** to get to the gold. It feels like one step forward, three steps back.
In Despair
Dear In Despair,
What a nasty set of knocks you’ve had. First, you lost your wife just six years ago from a devastating disease – I’m so sorry for your loss. That must have been a tremendous shock. Then, you lost your job – twice, in short succession. Not only did that coincide with your grieving process, but coming (as it did) around a “milestone” birthday – and set against the backdrop of a global pandemic, when we were all locked down – it must have set in motion feelings that absolutely anyone would be struggling with.
I want to applaud you for what you’ve really been doing these past few years: surviving. You have been in survival mode since losing your wife and your job, and your coping mechanisms have become smoking and drinking. And who could blame you?
This is really important, because I don’t want you to think that any of this is your fault. As I told someone a few weeks ago who was also in a place of darkness with drink and drugs, addiction is a disease – we all know this by now. And it should be treated with the seriousness with which you’d treat cancer or a heart attack. And you’ve been warned that your heart needs you to stop drinking.
I would always urge someone in your situation who is drinking every day (but wants/needs to stop) to seek professional help (from AA and NA or other recovery groups, from your GP, from local community addiction centres, or from Medicare in Canada). The fact that you feel your alcohol dependency is a “lifelong habit, passed down from family” tells me you probably didn’t grow up with a healthy relationship with booze – you didn’t have any role models who drank moderately or to teach you how to recognise when it’s an issue – and that’s why it is a problem for you now.
I have a feeling that you are at a personal rock bottom and you feel horrible as a result. But you know what could flip this all around for you? Putting out the tiniest of steps to get better. To get well. To get healthy.
Here’s what I would do (but don’t expect immediate results overnight – please recognise this is the start of a long process, and it will be hard, but my God it will be worth it): sign up to a programme to seek help understanding your relationship with alcohol. AA would be an easy place to start. You don’t have to expect to turn sober straight away, but it’s a start. You will be able to decide if it’s the right framework for you.
Go to your local doctor and tell them you want to give up smoking. Buy Nicorette patches (or similar). Stop buying cigarettes – they’re so expensive, now, that your smoking habits and lack of disposable income are like a dog chasing its own tail. They’re just making your problems worse. Read this piece for other tips on how to kick the habit (one of them advises going cold turkey. Tough but true).
Remind yourself that your job doesn’t (and didn’t) define you as a man or as a human being. Research tells us that men are socialised to invest more of their self-esteem in the traditional idea of being a “breadwinner” than women are, because they are taught to base the foundations of their self-worth on income and status – a version of toxic masculinity if ever I heard one! As a result, men may experience deeper distress when they consider themselves to be “failing” to fulfil that role.
I would urge you to consider talk therapy (in this country you can get free sessions via the NHS, so it would be worth talking to your doctor to find out what’s on offer in Canada). You have a lot to talk about: self-esteem, grief, redundancy and addiction. Underneath that is the soft part of you that needs someone to tell him he’s OK; that he’s safe and valued. Talk therapy will help you to “parent” yourself.
Don’t be under any assumptions that this road to recovery will be smooth and easy. It will be tough and it will take grit – but that’s exactly why I want you to do it so much. I want you to prove to yourself that you have toughness and resilience, that you have strength and determination, and that you have purpose.
And on that last point – it’s time, now, to find yours. What do you love? What brings you joy? If the answer, poignantly and sadly, was your late wife, then honour her now by changing your life. By living the years she sadly didn’t get to see. By doing small things to improve your health, your life, your wellbeing and your happiness, like anyone who loves you would want you to do. Honour her by honouring yourself.
Find peace and contentment in the small things, in the everyday. Do you like sports? Reading? Music? Driving? Dancing? Fishing? Do you have a group of friends, or even just one friend you enjoy spending time with? Find a club (and if there isn’t one local to you in Canada, think about setting one up): my dad is in his seventies and has just joined a male friendship “walk and talk” rambling club. It’s one way to tackle male loneliness, and will give you another reason to keep going. You could join a book club, or a social sports team, or darts, or a quiz team. It doesn’t matter what it is – it’s about getting out there and remembering how to live.
Talk to your kids. Tell them you’re struggling. I know it’s hard, and I know you don’t want to ask for help or admit weakness, but the strongest people I know are the ones who are brave enough to ask for help when they need it. It sounds like they probably already know you’re not coping, so you will demonstrate a hell of a lot more strength if you are able to be honest and open about it. Don’t feel comfortable talking face to face? Write them a letter. If you were my dad, I wouldn’t care what medium or which platform it came from, I’d just want to know.
It also sounds like your kids are already helping you, at least a little – but I’d also like you to ask yourself what you can do to help them. We feel better when we help others (that’s a fact). So, does your daughter have kids? How about being a hands-on Grandpa? Does she have a dog, if no children? One study claims that dog-walkers walk 870 miles a year, which is great exercise!
If you go to live with your daughter for a while, then why not make yourself the de facto kitchen-cleaner, or house-tidier, or gardener, or dog-walker (and there’s absolutely no shame in leaning on your family when you need support – please remember that what she does for you is what you would do for her, if the situation were reversed). If you’re nervous and feeling shame around the idea of living with her and leaning on her financially, then help yourself to feel necessary by offering her family a service. It will also help you with your sense of purpose – believe me.
I know that your ultimate goal – peace and contentment – seems a long, long way off right now. But just look at the journey you’re about to take: you’re going to get help for your drinking, you’re going to put a plan in place to stop smoking, you’re going to remind yourself that your kids love you and want to help you, and you’re going to give back to them, too. You’re going to spend time with friends, doing a hobby or following a passion you love, and you’re going to remember what life is all about: living. And you’re going to do all of this in memory of your wife, who loved you and wanted the very best for you. I’m excited for you. Good luck.
To seek help for drink and drug addiction, try contacting Mind UK or Frank or read more here.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
