There’s one thing I’d bet money any self-assured person was told by their mum if someone didn’t like them at school: “They’re just jealous.” The phrase immediately bolsters confidence and short circuits insecurity by letting the person needing validation know that actually, they’re better than everyone who treats them poorly. The social media theory equivalent to this? Swag gap relationships. A ridiculous phrase – but those who’ve suffered them say the dynamic is something to beware of.
The term, which has rapidly grown in popularity on TikTok in recent weeks, with Julia Fox, model and former girlfriend of Kanye West, among adopters, denotes when a friend or date doesn’t reach the same levels of cool as you (whether that’s in terms of confidence, wardrobe, or career) and ultimately burns down the relationship by lashing out in envy or deploying insecure imitation. “You can’t date or be friends if there’s a swag gap because they’ll end up being jealous and psycho trying to become you,” preaches a girl in one video, now with over 142,000 likes of agreement. “Never again,” swear those affected in the comments.
Swag, short for swagger, was popularised over the last two decades by rappers like Jay-Z, Lil B, Soulja Boy and Gucci Mane, and later by Justin Bieber, who sparked a resurgence of the term among Gen Z with the release of his seventh studio album Swag in July. Nevertheless, even Bieber himself has been accused of having a “swag gap” with his wife Hailey Bieber recently, due to her dressing in a chic strapless red mini dress for an event in New York, while the singer trailed behind in a grey hoodie and matching jersey shorts. Before the release of his new music, Bieber appeared to be on a career hiatus, while Hailey landed a $1bn (£743m) deal for her beauty brand, Rhode.
Claiming you have a “swag gap” with someone and therefore can’t be friends or romantically involved because they’ll get jealous, initially, does sound outrageously self-absorbed. As a general rule, thinking you’re better than those around you usually means you’re obnoxious and lucky to have people in your life at all. But the true issue is not how cool a partner or friend presents to the outside world, but if they perceive themselves as failing in comparison to those around them and how that makes them treat others. Inferiority complexes can jump out in ugly ways. In fact, research found that men actively feel worse about themselves when their female partners succeed. Think of Andy’s boyfriend in the Devil Wears Prada. Or, Ross Geller to Rachel Green when she lands her dream job at Ralph Lauren after years of slogging it as a waitress in Friends.
As 26-year-old Aaliyah’s burgeoning journalism career took off, the guy she was dating seemed stuck at the bottom of the career ladder. “He was very insecure about what I was doing, events I was attending, the social circles I was in,” she says. “He couldn’t match up to that – and I wasn’t expecting him to. It’s just, the things I liked to do created this wedge between us. It ended up fizzling out because I felt like he was taking out his career frustrations on me,” she adds. “It was actually quite sad… I was seeing if I could build a life with this person but he just started to resent [me].”
Issy, a 25-year-old lawyer, can relate. She met her boyfriend when she was 16 – but in the time it took her to graduate from university with first class honours, complete a master’s degree and land her first job with a firm in London, he had done little to advance himself. “You cannot have a relationship with someone in a different league to you,” she says. “I did for eight-and-a-half years and it dragged me back for eight-and-a-half years. It was really frustrating.” Issy had weekly conversations asking her boyfriend how she could support him but he told her to leave him alone, moped, and then did nothing. “When the relationship ended, I was actually a bit relieved,” she says. “I thought I was going crazy and I wasn’t.”
Joanna Harrison, couples therapist and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have, says she frequently sees couples in her consulting room who have different strengths and lean on each other to cover their weaknesses, whether that be social confidence, organisation, or tracking their finances. Dependence leads to problems when someone’s partner struggles with something that, to them, seems mind-bendingly easy. “This can lead to conflict,” Harrison says, adding that fighting about the issue can provide room for growth, empathy and understanding. Of course, if a partner refuses – or doesn’t try – to grow, there’s a limit to how compassionate their other half can be, particularly if they’re lashing out.
Hostility can be subtle, in friendships too, and may look like one person downplaying the other’s success, giving backhanded compliments or becoming needlessly competitive or cynical. You may have seen that in Seth (Jonah Hill) in Superbad, who belittles Evan getting into college because he doesn’t want him to leave him behind. Or, with Jessica in Twilight, who says at Bella’s wedding to Edward that it was confusing he “suddenly” liked her “even though she’s not the captain of the volleyball team” or “the president of the student council”. This saltiness is, of course, for comedic effect on screen, but can be harder to laugh off in real life.
When Aaliyah began to land exciting career opportunities to interview celebrities or appear in their reality TV shows, she hoped her friends would be supportive of her successes and celebrate them alongside her. But she quickly noticed “a hint of jealousy” emanating from one friend repeatedly. “I kept picking up on these sly digs,” she says. “As you grow up, you realise those comments are personal. There’s more behind them. So, I had to nip that friendship in the bud. We were drifting apart anyway but that sealed the deal.”
Michelle Elman, author of Bad Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal, says cutting comments might make us uncomfortable but the best way to handle them is to confront them directly. Ask your friend what they actually meant by the catty comment they made. Flag that they upset you when they joked about your promotion instead of congratulating you. But if you set boundaries and they don’t listen, dismiss your feelings, and continue to behave in the same way, then it’s time to walk away. “You can ask whether there’s something you’re doing that’s making them feel insecure or jealous,” says Elman. “But at the end of the day, the only person who can change their behaviour is them.”
We are living in an age of intense comparison, encouraged by gloat-heavy social media platforms like Instagram (for holidays, babies, engagements and home ownership) and LinkedIn (for shiny new job announcements and mega-promotions). Even if you feel glad for your friend when they get good news, after your nose has been rubbed in it with post after post, that initial support can sour. Notably, in a recent survey, a huge 93 per cent of Gen Z said they feel pressure to compare themselves to others online. Meanwhile, 89 per cent said this sizing up ultimately led them to feel unsatisfied with their own lives. “Jealous or insecure thoughts are normal,” says Elman. “To act on them is a different issue.”
Although both Aaliyah and Issy say they’re too scarred by their past experiences to ever enter into a romantic swag gap relationship again, neither woman would avoid a new friendship with someone not moving in the same circles. “I’ve got friends in a lot of different industries,” says Aaliyah. “If you’re true friends, you’re going to be happy for each other. Secret jealousy and envy is the problem. If I’m winning, I want all my friends to win. So, if you’re giving me a negative vibe, then maybe it’s just your problem.”
