Ben Stokes admitted that four years as England’s Test captain had left him “burnt out” and unable to connect with his love of the game.
Stokes’ retirement from England duty was announced on a day of high drama at Trent Bridge, with the news breaking as the 35-year-old was in the midst of a marathon bowling spell in his side’s series decider against New Zealand.
That kicked off a remarkable sequence of events that saw him take a wicket with his first delivery after fans awarded him rousing standing ovation, then promote himself to open the batting in a frenetic 30-run cameo that saw him deposit two trademark sixes into the crowd.
Speaking to Sky Sports at the end of a day that will live long in the memory – and ended with New Zealand perfectly placed to send him off with a defeat – Stokes revealed why he had chosen to call time after almost 13 years, 279 caps and two white-ball World Cup wins.
This year alone Stokes has overseen the conclusion of a 4-1 Ashes thrashing in Australia, received potentially fatal blow to the face that required reconstructive surgery having shattering his cheekbone and received a written conduct warning following a disciplinary incident at a London nightclub.
And he suggested the toll had simply become too much.
“There are all sorts of emotions when this day comes to everyone. There’s relief, there’s happiness, there’s excitement, there’s sadness. All of those words, they sum it up pretty well,” he told Sky Sports.
“It’s the best thing that I’ve ever been asked to do – captain this team and captain this country – and I’ll never begrudge any moment where I’ve walked this team out. It’s simply the greatest honour you could ever put on your shoulders as a player.
“But there’s another side to it all which people don’t see and people don’t understand. My family, and particularly my wife, can see what you go through emotionally. As good as it is, there are bits where it does get to you, it does drain you, it does affect you in a negative way.
“But, overall, it’s literally been four and a half years where I’ve loved every single moment. But sometimes and some moments have been harder than others.”
Reflecting on the first Test win of the summer, when victory celebrations turned into the night out that saw him stood down from the next game and subjected to an ECB investigation, Stokes added: “The Lord’s Test brought back some kind of negative feelings about where I was in my career.
“I’ve worked so hard since getting back home (from Australia) to try and make things right. That’s what I thought I was doing. But I put so much time and effort into it I maybe, potentially burnt myself out.
“I gave myself every opportunity to think it was maybe just a blip, or something wasn’t quite right. But everyone I spoke to about the day it (retirement) happens, they just say it kicks you straight in the face. And I thought a few weeks ago that it did.
“As I was putting my pads on (on Saturday) getting ready to go out there, that was the last nail in the coffin. It’s never, ever simple or easy with me, is it? That’s been one of the good things about my career, I guess.”
Stokes has pledged to follow the lead of former skipper Sir Alastair Cook by returning to county cricket. While his team were losing the second Test in his absence at the Kia Oval, Stokes returned north to play for Durham and found his spark was rekindled at Chester-le-Street, where he struck a free-flowing 95.
He was unable to find that same enjoyment when he returned to the Test arena just days later.
“Being back at Durham, I found not a reconnection but a new lease of life in my affection towards cricket.
“And then I just couldn’t get that same feeling back here this week, as much as I was trying. I’ve been through some rocky times, personally, feeling like I’m pushing myself through or feeling I’m having to do something because it’s the right thing to do.
“I’m very excited about the next part of what I get to do, going back to play for my boyhood club. It might sound quite selfish, but this decision is genuinely the best thing for me right now.
“Whether it means it’s the best thing for the team going forward, I hope so. But it comes down to what I think will allow me to still love this game that I’ve played since I was a kid, and which has given me a career.”
