Brendon McCullum didn’t look terribly devastated at the end of it all, standing in one of those bright purple ‘Whole Earth’ tops which are Bazball in fabric form – happy-clappy positivity, wellness-retreat confidence and pseudoscientific faith that if you only believe hard enough, the runs will come.
It would be faintly amusing if the man wasn’t taking us for such fools that he doesn’t even feel the need to disguise his own con trick.
Yes, you read it right: in the immediate aftermath of conceding the Ashes in 11 days of cricket, McCullum really did have the brass neck to say that he wanted to carry on as England coach because ‘it’s a pretty good gig and good fun’.
The lazy nonchalance of those dismal few words encapsulates the entire dodgy mantra that he’s infected our game with.
The notion that precision and preparation and intellectual curiosity and graft – Australian cricket qualities – are not for the cool guys. That the foundations on which our national cricket team were built are dull and outdated. Swots’ work.
With a spiritual leader like McCullum at the helm, it’s little wonder that, as my colleague Lawrence Booth reports today, Ben Stokes found no takers when suggesting a seven-mile run during the squad’s trip to the Noosa holiday resort between the second and third Tests. Or that only three were inclined to take up the offer when strength and conditioning coach Pete Sim invited the players for an early jog along the coast.
After losing the Ashes in 11 days of cricket, Brendon McCullum really did have the brass neck to say that he wanted to carry on as England coach because ‘it’s a pretty good gig and good fun’
Ben Stokes found no takers when suggesting a seven-mile run during the squad’s trip to the Noosa holiday resort between the second and third Tests. Instead they sat and had a few beers
The flabbiness was manifest to the bitter end in Adelaide, in cocksure Harry Brook’s fatal reverse sweeping of Nathan Lyon and giddy Jamie Smith’s loft to Pat Cummins after striking Mitchell Starc for successive fours.
Who’s to say that a little application from either might not have made up the 82-run margin by which England lost?
Guru Baz manifestly doesn’t see it that way, given that it was more of the same woo-woo coming down the airwaves from him on Sunday morning.
‘Sometimes you put so much pressure on yourselves,’ he said. ‘You just end up thinking about things other than playing the game and immersing yourself in the moment.’
In the face of the latest catastrophe, ‘more of the same, mate’ appears to the message of a man’s whose hubris is beyond belief.
‘We haven’t got everything right. I haven’t got everything right as a coach,’ said the coach whose oversight saw part-time off-spinner Will Jacks somehow wander into the Ashes arena and get carted for 212 runs.
‘This bloke would be dropped from the seconds to thirds in Sydney Grade cricket,’ Test Match Special’s Jim Maxwell said of Jacks on one interminable morning or other. Yes, that pretty much encapsulated it.
An apology to the English public for a near-unprecedented form of capitulation would have been appropriate from McCullum.
In the face of the latest catastrophe, ‘more of the same, mate’ appears to the message of a man’s whose hubris is beyond belief
‘This bloke would be dropped from the seconds to thirds in Sydney Grade cricket,’ Test Match Special’s Jim Maxwell said of Will Jacks on one interminable morning or other
An apology to the English public for a near-unprecedented form of capitulation would have been appropriate from McCullum
And though the hurt he evidently feels has left the captain rather immune to criticism, Stokes owes Michael Vaughan and Sir Ian Botham some remorse after disgracefully dismissing them as ‘has-beens’ because they had the temerity to question England’s preparations.
Don’t hold your breath. Contrition does not belong in the Bazball vocabulary.
Don’t expect a wholesale change of philosophy for Melbourne and Sydney, either. Zak Crawley’ refusal to admit that the kamikaze philosophy had been modified after his 85 in 151 balls revealed just how much these men are cleaving to the religion.
The best we can hope is that those who hold English cricket in their hands will see through the hokey being expounded by the good vibes guy in the purple top and, at the earliest available opportunity, march him straight to the door.
