Two months before her summer wedding in Venice, American journalist and author Lauren Sanchez will embark on an 11-minute trip into space in a self-driving rocket, developed by her fiancé Jeff Bezos’ aerospace company, Blue Origin.
The all-female flight NS-31 will also include Katy Perry, Gayle King, film producer Kerianne Flynn, former Nasa rocket scientist Aisha Bowe, and civil rights activist Amanda Nguyễn. Once they reach space, they’ll float around the rocket for about four minutes before returning to Earth.
“We have a saying in our house, ‘Life takes off on the other side of fear’,” Sanchez told Elle magazine of the major decision. She also admitted to feeling “a little scared” about it. I’m not surprised.
It’s a lot to expect from a relationship, even in my book – and I’ve had a lot of off-the-wall demands.
Sanchez’s stress level must be going through the roof. On top of planning the wedding of the year to the Amazon billionaire, she’s probably having sleepless nights about the rocket launch, which is set to take place on 14 April.
It’s not like bungee jumping or sky-diving – it’s extreme tourism. Things can – and do – go wrong. You only have to think of the two Nasa astronauts who have just returned to Earth after spending nine months stranded in space.
But it seems Sanchez isn’t jumping up and down for joy because she loves space rockets – she loves Bezos. And I get it. I was a people-pleaser, too – but going to space is a step too far.
Of course, it’s great to face one’s fears. I’ve read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. In therapy, I’ve learned that fear can mean all sorts of things: “false evidence appearing real”; “f**k everything and run”; and “face everything and recover”. But if your thrill-seeking partner starts to push you out of your comfort zone to grow as a person, it’s not necessarily about facing your fears – it’s about them.
One of my boyfriends filled the bath with cold water and huge bags of ice cubes for us to “wake up and feel alive together”. What could I say to that? I only agreed to it because I feared rejection – and often prioritised his needs and feelings over my own.
Another time, I agreed to lie in an open grave to confront my death, only to appease my then-partner who insisted I did it with him when a spiritual sheik in Dubai convinced him it was “exhilarating”. We were collected from our hotel at sunrise and driven to the desert. I was secretly fuming with resentment.
I just couldn’t say “no” – the hallmark of people-pleasing. It came out sideways in all sorts of passive aggresive ways – like pretending my partner didn’t exist for the rest of the holiday. We had separate graves. I was lowered down into a deep dirt rectangular pit wearing only a white sheet. It was gruesome.
I’ve also water skied in the English Channel across sewage, which was terrifying – and only because I was desperate for approval from a boyfriend.
Another time, I was marched onto the The Big One roller coaster at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. As we sat together, I could hear the clunking sounds of the lift hill before the first drop, and I got vertigo. I felt like I was going to fall out of the cart and I clung onto him like a drowning swimmer. I didn’t want to disappoint my new man.
I also narrowly missed doing loop-the-loop in a small plane with him and his pilot friend – only because the weather deteriorated by the time we got to the airfield.
What did any of this do for my relationships? Nothing. I might not be in the same circles as Sanchez, where the super-rich turn to Titanic tours and space exploration because financial safety has (seemingly) made their lives mundane. But I was still dragged around by boyfriends on a mission, largely because they had low boredom thresholds, were seeking a high, feared relationship stagnation – or were having a midlife crisis.
I obviously can’t be sure of Sanchez’s reasons for hurtling herself into space, but in general, it’s time women stopped playing into male fantasies and looked for approval within. I learned this “keen to please” behaviour as a young child. Addressing the underlying causes of people-pleasing behaviours, such as internalised patriarchal norms – in which women feel that their worth and value are tied to pleasing others, as it was for me in romantic relationships – is crucial for breaking the cycle.
I needed to confront my deeply embedded belief system that told me that in order to be loveable, I needed to be “good”. I would endlessly say “yes” when I meant “no” – or “I don’t mind”. Resentment built up because I wasn’t being honest. I lost my sense of self and had no authentic connection.
Of course, it’s attractive to be around risk-takers like Bezos – he flew to space in 2021 and took a huge gamble when he pursued his vision of an online retail giant – Amazon. But it’s probably all too easy to get caught up in this apparent need to inject excitement into a relationship – or bond over thrill-seeking behaviour.
It’s simple, really: We have to learn to say “no”.
