Say your child doesn’t grab a jacket despite you telling them it’s going to rain. If you allow them to proceed despite warning them of the real-world consequences, like letting them get soaking wet, you may be practicing the trendy “F*** Around and Find Out” parenting style.
A rising number of parents are rejecting the Gen-Z-dominant model of “gentle parenting” in favor of a newer, tougher approach commonly referred to as FAFO. The viral approach emphasizes consequences over permissive softness, unlike the style that influenced much of Gen Z’s upbringing.
FAFO parenting operates on a simple premise: parents issue warnings and let kids face the natural or even contrived results if they disregard rules.
As the Wall Street Journal exemplifies, “Won’t bring your raincoat? Walk home in the downpour. Didn’t feel like having lasagna for dinner? Survive until breakfast. Left your toy on the floor again? Go find it in the trash under the lasagna you didn’t eat.”
The Independent interviewed two psychologists, Dr. Terri Mortensen and Dr. Ross Greene, with differing opinions on FAFO parenting and how it could affect kids’ long-term mental health.
Mortensen, a parent coach in Davie, Florida, who runs a program for parents of anxious teens and those with OCD, says FAFO shares some traits with the well-known authoritative parenting style, but she doesn’t believe the two are the same.
“I think FAFO is like a fun, fancy name that has come around and is a little spicier to fit some of the spicier parents that are out there,” she told The Independent, also making a viral TikTok on the approach, which she thinks today’s society needs more of.
“I specialize in kids and teens, and I find that there’s a lot of overly permissive, very anxious parenting that’s happening. When we protect kids from everything, they struggle with confidence and resilience and being able to function later on because they haven’t gone through things and been successful. Therefore, they don’t have the confidence in themselves to be able to handle things and are always waiting for the safety net.”
The adjunct professor at the Fischler College of Education and School of Criminal Justice thinks FAFO parenting could be implemented as early as toddlerhood. As long as the natural consequences of this approach don’t hurt the child or anyone else, she says this strategy can help even young kids learn independence.
“We don’t want to let kids run free without any kind of guardrails or supervision. But even toddlers can figure out if they’re running too fast, and they crash and fall, then the next time, they’ll learn to slow it down a little bit more. Or if they’re running down a hill and they’re, again, running too fast, they can learn to slow down,” she said.
Meanwhile, Greene, a child psychologist and author based in Portland, Maine, who developed the evidence-based Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model for addressing child behavior, tells The Independent that he’s “not a consequences guy” and believes adult-imposed consequences aren’t appropriate at any age.
The former Harvard Medical School faculty member criticized the tendency to pile on punishments, like spankings or time-outs, when natural consequences fail, arguing that many children don’t respond to either. He said that consequences alone rarely address the root causes of behavior, but adults often rely on them due to a lack of alternative strategies.
Struggles like getting out of bed, doing chores, or stopping video games are signs of unsolved problems, not issues that can be fixed with punishment, he said. Instead of focusing on consequences, adults should work with kids to solve these underlying problems.
“Natural consequences are inevitable, so whatever the effect is going to be, the effect is going to be,” Greene, who now runs the non-profit Lives in the Balance, said. “I don’t help adults make more consequences. I help adults solve problems with kids.”
“Good parenting is noticing when your kid is having difficulty meeting an expectation and collaborating with them on figuring out what’s getting in their way and solving the problem together.”
Greene continued, “People who are heavy-duty, consequence-oriented would call that passive. There’s nothing passive about it. It doesn’t quite meet the criteria for gentle parenting, either. Gentle is not active enough for me. Kids have problems, and if all we’re doing is consequences for their behavior, we’re missing the boat.”
Mortensen agrees that parents often use ineffective consequences, like grounding a teen for bad grades or taking away their phone during an emotional outburst, simply because they don’t know a better way to respond.
“Consequences that make sense and fit the crime, so to speak, can be helpful, but I feel like a lot of parents do not use them in the right way,” she said. “Let’s say they’re sending naked pictures. You should take the phone. That makes sense, but being disrespectful doesn’t make sense to take the phone.”
Mortensen said she isn’t sure she would “punish” a teen for being disrespectful to their parents, and agreed with Greene in this instance about having a collaborative conversation.
“It would have to be a conversation after everybody has calmed down, because trying to do that in the moment when everybody’s pissed off is not going to work,” she said.
“Being able to stop and have a conversation when you’re calm and say, ‘Listen, you can’t talk to me like this. When you’re older, you’re going to have people that you disagree with. We need to be able to communicate in a different way, where we both can feel heard, and if we need to take a break, let’s take a break, and then we can come back to the conversation,’ would be good.”
Mortensen continued, “Good parenting is all about balance: have a good relationship and also be able to give the child or teen space to be able to learn and be critical thinkers, take responsibility, and have the consequences.”
