I’ve set a timer. I am going to try to do all my Christmas shopping in a record-breaking 60 minutes. Is it possible? I haven’t really had any ideas for presents yet. I know it’s the trend, but I’m not using ChatGPT. I don’t think an algorithm would have the personal connection required with the person I’m buying the present for.
I need to work out a few things first. Am I going to include the stocking fillers for my children in the big shop? Or will that push me over the edge? It might sound like a tight deadline, and it is. If it’s the thought that counts, should I exclude thinking time – or is that cheating?
Interestingly, of the 41 hours the average person spends preparing for Christmas, six hours and 42 minutes are spent browsing and thinking about the perfect present, according to OnePoll research from 2022. Once everything has been purchased, it takes an average of two hours, 41 minutes to wrap it all up.
Around one in eight people say they shop throughout the year to spread the cost – and to be organised. These people are not my people. I function better under stress and pressure. But while the heat of a deadline is a good motivator, it also means I am prone to panic-shopping at great expense, and hyperventilating about the amount of cash I’m spending.
Like a third of Brits, I’m worried about the impact of Christmas on my finances. Every year, I swear it’s time to change the rules – like picking one name for one gift out of a hat. The only upside of falling out with all my half-siblings this year, after my dad died, is that it keeps the grown-ups’ present list to a minimum. I’m still buying for their children, though.
At the top of my list are my two daughters, Lola, nine, and Liberty, seven. Then there’s a little gift for my golden retriever, Muggles, who is 11. I need to buy something for my children’s grandmother, their two aunts and uncle, a nephew, and six teenage nieces.
The main problem is that I have expensive tastes. One in five parents say they usually spend more than £200 per child on presents, as well as around £21 on each of their own siblings, and between £11 and £20 on friends. I decide to try to be sensible, and settle on a £40-and-under price limit. If I’m going to crack this lot in 60 minutes, I need to be very organised.
My list keeps growing. I need to get something for my two best friends, and for Lola and Liberty’s closest friends. Then there’s my psychic lady. I must also buy a present for my childminder. Oh God – the kids’ two teachers, and the dog walker. Please let that be it. That’s a total of 27 presents, and I’m bound to have forgotten somebody.
First up, stocking fillers: I go to Smiggle and click “stocking stuffers £5 and under”. I’ve got to give myself 10 minutes. It is intense scrolling. My eyes hurt from checking out stationery.
But I’ve now got 13 bargain items in my basket: scented pencils, mini penpal notebook keyrings, two eraser-sharpeners in cool colours, and Squishlicious Collectable Treats in pink and teal. Total bill so far: £37.
Next, I move to Selfridges: five minutes to finish the stockings. I click on “price” then “max £20”. I like to get my kids a good stocking – it’s the most fun part of Christmas shopping – but there are 1,460 items under £20. I want to cry.
Time is not on my side. I stop myself after 20 minutes. I have six items, including a Sticki Rolls Aphmau Pendant and Bracelet creative playset (£10), a Top Model Neon Doodle colouring book, and a Print Works L’Artiste set of 12 metallic watercolour pencils (£20). Total: £89. I have definitely overspent on the stockings, but they’re sorted. Phew.
With only 35 minutes left on the clock, I move on to the main event. Is it impossible? It’s making me feel dizzy. While it’s not as bad as rushing from shop to shop, scrolling through gifts on a laptop is still giving me a headache.
I already have a few ideas in mind: a 3Doodler pen for one main present. Quick – £35.99 at John Lewis. Done. Lola wants the MYNT3D Super 3D Pen (£49.99 on Amazon). Sorted. That took five minutes. Another £85.98 gone. I take a deep breath.
Where do I go from here? OK – my children’s grandmother. A nice A4 frame for a photo I took of her and the kids, £16 from John Lewis. Next, one of the aunts: slippers, size seven, animal print – M&S, £20.80. Done.
Then I go onto Jo Malone, and see there’s a complimentary full-size body and hand wash for orders over £140. I decide to treat myself to my favourite Red Roses cologne (£122) and then pick out Pomegranate Noir 9ml cologne (£18) for my psychic friend, which means I get the free Blackberry and Bay body and hand wash (£36). A perfect gift for one of my friends.
I now have 15 minutes left. I spent ages on Jo Malone – even ringing the store for advice to get an idea of what Pomegranate Noir smells like. I need to think on my feet. I decide I’ll have to send all seven nieces and nephews £20 each in the post. They’re teenagers, and they’ll be happy with this; besides, I never know what to get them anyway.
I’m starting to feel the fear. I really shouldn’t have bought myself that Red Roses cologne, but it’s my only essential luxury.
I move on to Fortnum & Mason’s website, and look at “gifts under £100”. With time ticking away, I reckon I can finish the rest of my shopping here.
Ten minutes later, with five minutes left to spare, I have a basket full of items. The Mini Merry-Go-Round musical biscuit tins (£18.85) are perfect for teachers; champagne truffles (£19.95) for an uncle and aunt; and for my friend, her favourite Chocolossus biscuits (£26.95) in a dramatic long tin. Total: £104.55.
The dog walker? Quality Street. It’ll be fine. She hardly ever walks my dog anyway; he’s too out of control, scavenging for food.
I have run out of time. I have failed to get Lola and Liberty’s six friends anything. I gift myself an extended deadline of 10 minutes, and know I’ll make it. Sylvanian Families, here we come.
Back to John Lewis: I get the Sylvanian Families Nursery Friends Walk Along Duo (£16); two Nursery Concert sets (£14); and the Sleepover Duo with a telescope (£15.99). Total: £59.99.
In total, I’ve spent £455, which for some people is less than the cost of one present. But at least I’ve got my Christmas shopping done, even if it took 10 minutes over time. I’ve yet to do the Christmas food shop, buy the tree, or get wrapping paper. But, since the average person uses 41 hours and I’ve only used one hour and 10 minutes, I’m well ahead of schedule.
Then I realise – oh no! I forgot the dog. I Google “dog Christmas presents” and I just can’t resist buying him the Barbour Pheasant dog toy (£18.95 from Harrods). I know I should’ve just popped into Poundland instead, but never mind. It is Christmas, after all.
