This summer, a friend of mine is going to a wedding for three people. And no, I’m not talking about the guest list.
“My mate is in a throuple,” she clarified when I asked for more information.
It transpires that the upcoming nuptials – more of a symbolic celebration than a legally binding ceremony, given that polygamy is illegal in the UK – will take place between one man, his long-term female partner and their girlfriend. All of them are in a relationship together.
“It’s the happiest he’s ever been,” my friend added after explaining how he’d previously only been in monogamous relationships. “The invites came with an illustration of the Three Musketeers.”
A few years ago, conversations like this might have been had in hushed tones, possibly in the corner of an avant-garde sex club. We were chatting at a perfectly normal volume in Pret A Manger, and nobody batted an eyelid.
Any stigma that was once attached to non-monogamous relationship styles has been slowly shattering for some time now. Stereotypes have been shaken off, and judgements have been put to one side. And for good reason: according to a new study, non-monogamous people are just as happy with their romantic lives as those in monogamous partnerships.
Published in the Journal of Sex Research, the analysis of 35 studies into relationship satisfaction conducted across the US and Europe found that 24,489 people in both types of relationships reported similar levels of satisfaction in both their relationships and sex lives.
“Monogamous relationships are often assumed to offer greater satisfaction, intimacy, commitment, passion and trust than non-monogamous ones,” said Joel Anderson, lead author of the study and associate professor in the School of Psychology at Australian Catholic University.
“This widespread belief – what we term the ‘monogamy-superiority myth’ – is often reinforced by stereotypes and media narratives. Our findings challenge this longstanding assumption outside of academia, providing further evidence that people in consensually non-monogamous relationships experience similar levels of satisfaction in their relationships and sex lives as those in monogamous ones.”
Personally, I know plenty of monogamous couples who have opened up their relationships in the last few years. The reasons have been plentiful; some simply wanted to try something new. Others have been experimenting with newfound sexual desires and developments in their sexualities. And some have just wanted to try making their long-distance relationships a little easier.
“For us, it was about keeping the spark alive,” one friend tells me. She has been with her boyfriend for almost a decade, and both of them have recently started dating outside of their relationship. “It started off as me wanting to explore my bisexuality, but now it’s just become a part of who we are as a couple.”
Obviously, there are complications: an inordinate amount of trust and communication is required to make these kinds of dynamics work. But if you have that skill set and are on the same page as everyone else involved, there’s no reason why a non-monogamous relationship wouldn’t offer the same happiness and satisfaction as a monogamous one.
Personally, I’m thrilled we’re finally branching out of heteronormative ideals of what constitutes a relationship. To me, that’s what the rise of non-monogamy reflects: a long-awaited shift that allows everyone to be more open and understanding of the myriad ways there are to love.
Yes, sometimes a relationship is about two people saying “I do” in a church and dancing to Toploader in a marquee somewhere in the home counties. That’s great. But doing that doesn’t make you any happier or better than anyone who’s choosing to do things differently. And yet, we’re constantly told that it does; the “monogamy-superiority myth” that Anderson references is inescapable.
Everything you read or hear about love is about two people. Looking beyond that is not only a necessary and accurate reflection of the world we live in, but it also makes life a little more interesting. And if I had to choose between going to yet another Toploader-style wedding and a throuple ceremony, well, I know which one I’d go to.
