Dear Vix,
My boyfriend is what you’d probably call an “angry man”. He’s never hurt me and never would – I really mean that, I have no worries about my personal safety at all – but when he gets frustrated, he takes it out on his surroundings.
What that looks like is stuff like: swearing loudly, shouting or screaming, smashing plates against the wall, breaking glasses… he even once broke his own hand, punching the front door (because he’d made a mistake at work). That’s the thing – it’s never violence directed at me, or even about me, really; it’s just that when he gets frustrated or stressed, he takes it out on whatever is around him. And sometimes, because we live together, I happen to be there.
My friends tell me it’s domestic abuse, but I was really appalled when I heard that. Surely it’s not domestic violence when it’s only directed at inanimate objects?! It frightens me when he does it, but the only time I have ever come away with bruises is when I’ve tried to stop him hurting himself or breaking all our stuff. But even then, he wasn’t trying to hit me – I just got in the way. I see that as my fault (and I’m not naive, or an idiot). I put myself in the middle of danger when he was out of control – I should’ve just stayed away until he’d calmed down.
I’m really confused and I really don’t like hearing people tell me it’s abusive behaviour, because it doesn’t feel like that to me (even though I do admit it makes me jumpy – so I constantly try to work hard to keep him calm). Our neighbours even once called the police because they heard him screaming and smashing stuff and me crying as a result, but (as I told them, over and over), they got the wrong end of the stick – it was never directed at me.
I love my boyfriend and I feel gaslighted by everyone around me. Please help. Am I right – or are they?
Confused Girl
Dear Confused Girl,
I’m so sorry you’re walking around on eggshells in your own home, trying to keep this angry man calm. And yes, to put it very simply: this is abusive behaviour. I understand that you love him and that you don’t see it as his fault – I can also hear that you desperately want to “fix” things by keeping things steady and peaceful.
But please know this: smashing things in your flat and punching doors – especially when he knows it frightens you and makes you cry – is not OK. It’s not the way grown adults should behave. He’s not a toddler – we can forgive toddlers for tantrums, because they haven’t learned to regulate or moderate their emotions yet – he’s an adult. And this isn’t just abusive behaviour, it’s intimidation.
A common myth is that it’s only domestic abuse if it involves physical or sexual violence. In fact, many women experience domestic abuse without ever being physically harmed. A word of advice from the domestic violence charity Refuge: non-physical forms of abuse can be just as destructive and as undermining as physical violence.
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In an abusive relationship, this can play out by asserting physical dominance through acts of aggression or intimidation: damaging property, smashing things, slamming doors, punching walls and using threatening behaviour or gestures. This kind of abuse in a relationship is often a tool to gain further control. And, a lot of the time, when we see these kinds of physical outbursts, emotional abuse and coercive or controlling behaviour are also a factor in the relationship (for tips on how to spot the signs and red flags, see here).
I would like to draw your attention – and I’m sorry, because I know this is hard – to what you have said in your letter: “I got in the way.” It was “my fault”. “I put myself in the middle of danger when he was out of control”. “I should’ve stayed away until he’d calmed down”. I would like us, together, to reframe these lines like this:
He put me in the way of his anger.
It was not my fault.
He put me in danger because he was out of control.
He should’ve taken himself away until he’d calmed down.
Do you see? None of this is your fault, and your boyfriend needs help. But so do you. We already know from experts working in the field of domestic violence that all too often, what starts off “small” gets worse over time.
I am not gaslighting you, and my only interest is in telling you the truth: I don’t believe it is safe for you to stay in this situation with your boyfriend. And he needs to accept that he needs outside intervention (such as therapy, anger management or specialist advice from a charity like Refuge or Women’s Aid).
Help is out there, but if you stay, he won’t realise the crisis your relationship is in – and the harm he’s doing to you and to himself. Though this needs to be done delicately – because women are often in most critical danger around the time they suggest separation or leave the shared home. Please, I would urge you to contact one of the expert charities above to get the very best advice on how to do this safely.
You say you love him – isn’t it time you loved yourself more?
If you need help with domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 24/7 on 0808 2000 247. Or, visit here.
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