Dear Vix,
I know it sounds crazy but I’ve met the love of my life – and we’ve only been dating since the start of April. It may only have been three weeks, but it feels like we were destined to be together. What else can it be but fate when you swipe on some dating app and accidentally find your soulmate?
We are so alike that sometimes it feels like I’m looking at her and seeing myself! We like all the same things (we have the exact same favourite film and coincidentally want the same song played at our funerals) and want the same things in the future (three kids: two girls and a boy – and I’d be keen to get going on that right away!). Yes, we are both quite young, but I just know she’s the perfect wife and mother, so I just don’t see the point in waiting.
Honestly, I feel like Tom Cruise when he bounced up and down on Oprah’s couch because he was so ridiculously in love with Katie Holmes (I know that didn’t work out, but it doesn’t mean it won’t for me). I already have an engagement ring – it’s a family heirloom, so I’ve always known I would ask someone to marry me as soon as I found the right person to wear it. And now I have.
Be honest: Is three weeks too soon to propose?
Lovestruck
Dear Lovestruck,
I’m a hopeless romantic, too. I love love – and your description of being completely swept off your feet (and being swept off your own) made me swoon. I remember reading about how the Stranger Things actor Millie Bobbie Brown announced her engagement at 19 to Jake Bongiovi, saying: “I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, I want ‘em all”. If you don’t melt at the sheer optimism of wanting love to last forever at 19, you probably have a heart of stone.
With my sensible 40-something hat on, though, there is a caveat, I’m afraid. You want me to be honest, so I will: no, you absolutely should not propose after three weeks – unless you’ve asked your partner how she feels and she’s on exactly the same page as you are (and even then, you probably still shouldn’t).
I may sound like a nag but I really don’t think it’s a great idea to propose to anyone after three weeks, regardless of how perfectly matched you appear to be – and how smitten and honeymoon-esque things feel now. The reason is: you simply don’t know each other, after just three weeks. You can’t. It’s impossible to have spent enough time together (around work, studying, family and other commitments) to truly understand and appreciate someone’s core beliefs and values – not to mention how they feel about key issues such as children, careers, finances, health, politics, monogamy and conflict resolution – and to see if they align to yours.
And even within those key areas I’ve just mentioned there is a multitude of potentially problematic differences of opinion that could have a very real-world impact on your lives. Take children, for example: it may seem like the only question to ask is whether someone wants them, or not – that’s a pretty foundational decision that will dictate whether or not you are compatible in terms of what you both want from married life. It sounds like you’ve asked that one. Job done?
Not really. In reality, there are also layers upon layers of other decisions that may have to be made within that subject area alone – and then layers upon layers of other questions that suddenly crop up within those initial questions! Such as…
How many children to try to have – and what happens if you can’t have them, or the process is trickier than you imagined? How would you feel about IVF? How would you afford it – and how would you support each other if you were to experience infertility grief? Would you go to counselling? Would you adopt?
And if you were able to have children together, you’d need to consider whether you could afford to raise them, what type of schooling and nursery care you might want for them (the decision to seek state or private education is not just a financial issue, but a moral one too), the division of childcare between you as a couple, the share of the domestic load – and whether one of you would take parental leave or if you’d split it.
What kind of diet would you give them? Do you have any existing issues with food that may unwittingly be passed down? How do you feel about ‘treat’ foods like sweets and fizzy drinks?
Would you both work full-time – and if not, would one parent be expected to give up their job… in which case who and for how long? How were you disciplined as a child, how did it affect you and what kind of discipline do you feel is appropriate for a toddler or young child? How about a teenager?
What kind of contraception are you currently using – and how does it affect the person who’s responsible for it? What would you do differently (if anything) after pregnancy – and would you consider a vasectomy? Would you expect your partner to breastfeed – and how do you feel about bottle-feeding if they found it difficult or weren’t able to do it? Who would get up in the night to see to a crying baby?
Then there are… vaccinations, religion, homework, access to the internet, how you talk to kids about consent, sex and relationships, how you will provide for them in case of joblessness, how you feel about university and first jobs, what your own relationship with your family was/is like and how willing are you to look at that and where would you spend each Christmas and would you expect to go on holiday abroad or at home and how big a house can you afford and et cetera and et cetera and et cetera.
I’m not trying to ruin your romantic Oprah sofa moment. I think it’s wonderful that you’re in love and feel fizzy with it and want to shout it from the rooftops – and that you want to show the world that you’ve chosen each other for life. After all, what is a wedding but a way to turn your affection for each other into a living, tangible, breathable thing – a glorious, hopeful gift to be witnessed and envied and photographed and talked about.
But three weeks is simply not enough time to get a sense of your partner for who they really are, not just as the youthful, hopeful person they are right now – but who they will grow to be.
I want you to meet their friends and to look at the way they walk in the world – not just the way they are when you’re together in a bubble. See how they interact with those around them (one top tip is to look at how they treat people who serve them: meaning, wait staff and baristas and security guards and cleaners and bus drivers) and pay attention to how they react when things aren’t all rosy. Can you be there for them when they’re blue – and do they handle their emotions in a healthy way? How well do they communicate? Do you both want the same things – not just now, but on into retirement? What if one person wanted to live abroad – would you consider it? Could you afford it?
Has your partner expressed that she wants to get married – does she believe in marriage as an institution? Would you expect her to give up her name and take yours? Does she want to?
There’s nothing to say things won’t work out for you both. It’s gorgeous and it’s joyous and I wish you nothing but the best. But if you can’t answer most (or even some) of these vital questions, I really don’t think you should rush to put a ring on it. Have fun, instead – enjoy this feeling, for it is the best feeling in the world. And take your time finding out. It’ll be worth it.
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