The debate over “gentle parenting” has clearly struck a nerve – and Independent readers are split on whether it nurtures well-rounded children or leaves them without the boundaries they need.
Following a report from Charlotte Cripps, who spoke to authors and professors arguing the problem lies not in schools but in a lack of rules at home, many readers agreed that insufficient discipline is fuelling poor behaviour, with children given “too much freedom” too early and struggling to cope with authority.
Others strongly disagreed, sharing success stories of calm, respectful parenting producing confident, high-achieving children.
A common thread, however, was that the issue goes beyond labels. Many readers stressed that consistency and clear boundaries matter most – whether delivered gently or firmly – and that problems arise when parents fail to enforce them.
Here’s what you had to say:
Gentle parenting is not pleasant
Seen first-hand the consequences of gentle parenting, and it’s not pleasant. Giving children with minds that are still developing the responsibility to make decisions is never going to end well. I also see that their academics are not up to scratch either. I feel more sorry for the kids, as they are going to suffer the consequences of parents that don’t parent.
allsorts
One size does not fit all approaches
The problem is one shoe doesn’t fit all. Some kids are okay with gentle parenting, while others need a stronger hand (I don’t mean literally when I say stronger hand). A parent should know their child and be able to decide if they need the gentle parenting style or if they need stronger boundaries.
A teacher, however, has to cater for 30 kids at the same time and, due to kids that need more discipline or boundaries, has to set that as their benchmark so everyone can learn. That’s fine as well – those used to gentle parenting can take it as a life lesson when they have a strict teacher. The real world isn’t gentle.
Khan50
Gentle parenting success story
I’m not sure I can easily describe my own parenting technique, but whatever it’s classed as, it worked amazingly well – far beyond my wildest expectations. My 13-year-old son is top set in every subject, despite going to school in a bad area. He is amazing at art, can play piano beautifully, is great at sports, has incredible plant knowledge, and loves gardening. He’s also a great cook and is learning two languages. He always tidies up after himself and does all his homework etc. without me asking. His manners are impeccable. He hates social media and technology in general (he loves classical music, traditional architecture and classic cars, etc.). He has a small but strong group of friends; however, he’s far from being a geek and is well liked. He comes across as one of the nicest people you are likely to meet. His current plan is to try and get into Oxford, but he’s flexible on the subject as he’s basically brilliant at everything. I know I’m very biased here, but I genuinely think he might be a borderline genius.
I’ve rarely shouted at him (literally just a handful of times, and I would never dream of hitting him). I’ve not had to say ‘no’ to him much (despite the obvious when he was small). Overall, I’ve always just treated him like an adult. I’ve always read to him and had long conversations about interesting scientific subjects, etc., since he was very young. He has taken the knowledge I have shared with him and run with it, and is already much better than me in everything I have taught him, with none of my own failings. I would think most people would describe what I have done here as ‘gentle parenting’, and certainly from my experience it absolutely can work if done right. I really can’t see how being hard on him, or strict with him, would have helped him in any way.
Reading some of the comments here, the issue doesn’t seem to be about whether parenting is gentle or not, but more that parents aren’t interacting with their kids enough. If a parent only normally responds to their child to snap at them for distracting them from their phone, then that child is going to have issues around social interaction regardless of the parent setting rules or boundaries. If you are present and actively interact with your child, and don’t treat them like an imbecile, they will quickly learn not to be one, regardless of how strict you are.
I think the key to a well-behaved child is not to force them to follow your rules and standards, but to help them develop their own. They shouldn’t behave because they fear punishment – they should behave because they want to. If you can achieve that, then parenting becomes effortless.
theculture
Parents and children both under strain
The sad reality is no one is really bringing up children. Family time? Most parents are too exhausted. Day trips or meals out? A rare treat.
I feel sorry for both the parents and the kids – and teachers also, who are trying their best to bridge the gap. We created this, case of reap what you sow. But we can make changes: instead of buying a new item of clothing that is wanted but not needed and only feel guilty about after the initial dopamine hit wanes, go to the park instead with the kids. Go to an art gallery (most are free) or a museum and reconnect with the world rather than your phone. Even if the thought of going to a gallery sounds boring, go – you may be pleasantly surprised. Avoid the gift shop, mind!
No irony that I’m typing this on my phone is lost on me!
Nix
Consistency and boundaries matter
You can say no – it does not stop being gentle. Children need boundaries and guidance, and both can be firm and gentle. Consistency is what matters. Sometimes it may seem expedient, after saying no repeatedly, to get immediate respite by saying yes – but the lesson the child takes is that carrying on trying will eventually succeed, and that builds in later problems. The certainty of boundaries and “no” meaning no led to happier children (certainly with ours), even if they don’t like it at the time.
Mick
Firm but loving discipline works
Firm but loving discipline is the only way. Loving them doesn’t mean pandering to their every whim or letting them get away with everything. I had the Childline threat from my youngest just once, and I told her that if she did that, social services could have her and that she’d end up in homes with a lot of bad boys and girls. Funnily enough, she never tried that again. She left school with an exemplary behaviour record and went on to get an LLB (Hons).
BikingBoomer
Working with teachers benefits children
My child came home from school and told me that they had been told off and that the teacher had threatened to call me in if there was another example of bad behaviour. So I made an appointment to speak to the teacher to ask what I could do to support her. She nearly fell off her chair when she realised that I wasn’t there to scream at her for disciplining my child. Even though I thought she had been unfair (and her teaching assistant later told me that she did habitually discriminate against my child), I felt that my child was more likely to have a better time at school if I worked with the teacher.
Slamps
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