A bride’s decision to exclude a friend from her wedding party after relying on her to organize the bachelorette party sparked a heartfelt submission to Dear Carolyn, the advice column by Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax.
In the anonymous letter titled “Bachelorette Burn,” the friend expressed her disappointment and confusion.
“I’d been asked by a friend to organize her bachelorette party, and after getting all of it underway, was not asked to be in the wedding party or have a role in the ceremony,” she wrote. The friend added that she had “assumed” she would play a significant part in the wedding, considering it is “a norm.”
What made the exclusion sting more was the fact that the wedding party wasn’t restricted to family members.
“It feels like I’ve been had,” she shared. “I’ve fronted the money, and have already booked everything for the wedding itself and certainly don’t want to blow anything up over it. I’m hurt, but I don’t know how to proceed.”
The woman explained that she had considered addressing the situation directly but hesitated as the bride was backpacking in Europe and unavailable for a phone call. She repeatedly wrote and deleted an email outlining her feelings but couldn’t bring herself to send it.
Columnist Carolyn Hax empathized with the friend, calling the situation “wow-worthy” and offering potential explanations. Hax wrote: “The only possible explanations I’ve got are scary entitlement or some goofy notion of this as your ‘role.’ Whatever it is, I’m sorry.”
She praised the advice-seeker for pausing before acting and suggested continuing to draft letters to process her emotions. “Use paper or word-processing software, though, not email, so there’s zero chance of a premature send. Otherwise, just live your life. Thoughts are great at organizing themselves if we give them room,” Hax advised.
Hax encouraged waiting until the bride returned before deciding on the next steps, whether that meant addressing the issue or letting it go. “I’m hurt? I’ll get over it eventually, but it was really not cool to use me as a free party planner,” she offered as one possible response.
The friend ultimately took Hax’s advice, saving the conversation for when the bride was back. In a follow-up months later, she shared an update on the resolution. “I saved a conversation for when she was back, and it went as well as it could have,” she wrote. The bride admitted the bridal party decisions were “political,” acknowledged her assumptions, and expressed appreciation for the friendship.
“I am choosing to believe this was all sincere and an out-of-character lapse in awareness,” the woman concluded. “I will continue our friendship with my eyes a little more open, but hopeful I’ll be able to razz her about it in a few years.”
