When Chelsea became the first ‘Premiership’ club to strike a deal with YouTube nearly two decades ago, they were told their channel could not feature live footage for contractual reasons.
They had to come up with ideas for their own content as they entered this wacky new world of viral videos, at a time when Otters holding hands, Harry Potter and his puppet pals doing a dance, leaving Britney alone, and a baby called Charlie biting a finger were all the rage.
Today, the oldest video available for viewing on Chelsea’s official club channel, uploaded in 2007 and watched 222,000 times, is titled: ‘Billy McCulloch Joke (Part) 1.’
In truth, McCulloch’s infectious laugh is funnier than the joke itself, but Chelsea’s masseur was only warming up. Part 3 is a doozy, as McCulloch says: ‘Petr Cech is walking down the road. There’s a block of flats on fire. There’s a woman at the top with a baby. He sees it. He shouts over, “Quick! Throw the baby down! I’ll catch it, I’m Petr Cech, I’m the Chelsea No 1 goalkeeper!”’
The flames are getting bigger and bigger. After some convincing, she kisses her baby, throws it to Cech. Acting out every movement in the entrance to Chelsea’s training ground, McCulloch delivers the punchline: ‘He’s like this. He dives. Catches it. Bounces it. Kicks it out.’
Cue the madman laughter from McCulloch. It’s a riotous roar, a proper Cockney cackle. As recognisable and unique as Jimmy Carr’s, those who have heard it travelling down the corridors of Cobham might say. In a way that Cech joke sums up how long he has been at Chelsea – since a time when goalkeepers were booting balls into orbit rather than prettily playing short.
Billy McCulloch has been a much-loved member of the Chelsea backroom team since 2001, and made headlines earlier this season for a prank on the training ground
With John Terry, Eden Hazard and Didier Drogba after winning the League Cup in 2015
McCulloch joined Chelsea in the same summer as Frank Lampard in 2001, so this year marks his 25th anniversary at the club. Were they looking to mark that milestone with a highlights reel, they will have a mountain of material sitting in their old Chelsea TV archives to choose from.
The time he climbed into a bath filled with baked beans and fish and tried to eat five crackers in a minute.
The time he plunged into an ice pool wearing a snorkel, armbands, flippers and leopard print undies, with ‘alright geezer’ written on his chest as John Terry splashed water at him.
The time he marked Chelsea winning the Premier League title by doing the worm on the beer-soaked floor of West Bromwich Albion’s away dressing room. It resembled more of a fish flopping out of water, in truth, but seemed to become something of a tradition after big wins.
When the club legends came together for a charity game a few months back at Stamford Bridge, Terry had him do a dance for old times’ sake. As the shuffling McCulloch told Joe Cole, Claude Makelele, Gary Cahill, everyone in the room: ‘You thought you got rid of me!’
A fair few of McCulloch’s memorable moments were not caught on camera, at least to our knowledge.
When Lampard and Terry stole his car keys and built two snowmen in the front seats.
When he was gagged and tied to the chair in the manager’s office for Jose Mourinho’s return to Cobham, with a note left on his face which read: ‘Welcome back.’
McCulloch once had his car keys stolen by Frank Lampard (second left) and Terry, with the pair building snowmen in the front seats
He was also left tied and gagged in Jose Mourinho’s office, with a note reading ‘Welcome back’ on his face
Having also juggled working with the England and Scotland national teams once upon a time, the pranks went international, too, as the Scottish boys stripped him naked, tied him up with medical tape, and abandoned him in a sand bunker at Glasgow’s Mar Hall Golf & Spa Resort. They untied him, eventually.
McCulloch isn’t the longest-serving member at Chelsea. For example, a lovely lady called Theresa has been working behind the scenes for 48 years.
Yet Chelsea fans see McCulloch regularly. Not on their YouTube channel, which is much more of a polished product nowadays with its 6.3million subscribers, but at matches.
They recognise him, and regard him as a cult hero. ‘Bill Blood’ as he is also known by Terry and Co, he is the man with the Scottish name, the Cockney accent, and football’s most maniacal laugh.
Coaches, players, owners, they have been and gone, but he’s still there, walking on to the pitch before and after games to hand the water bottles around. ‘Billy, give us a song,’ the supporters sang when he passed by the away section at Fulham’s Craven Cottage previously.
Whoever Chelsea are facing, if there happens to be a Cobham alumnus in the opposing side, without fail there will be hugs galore after full-time. With Mason Mount at Manchester United. With Tammy Abraham at Aston Villa. With any former Blue he left a lasting impression on.
Diego Costa might have more than a cuddle prepared for him if they crossed paths, however. Chelsea’s former striker would probably prefer round two. It was during pre-season in the United States in 2015 when Costa boxed McCulloch, in the buffet room of their hotel, with the masseur dressed in black shorts and a white bathrobe, as if Rocky Balboa. Costa won when he floored McCulloch, much to the amusement of the players and staff who were watching on.
Mourinho was the manager at the time, and someone who used McCulloch to ease nerves within the squad, allowing him to take over his team talk on the odd occasion, including before a Premier League trip to face Manuel Pellegrini’s Manchester City in February 2014. Chelsea beat their title rivals 1-0.
He still holds court with the squad today, though you can imagine these addresses are more Mortimerish than Churchillian. The day before facing Paris Saint-Germain at the Parc des Princes in their Champions League last-16 first leg, for example, McCulloch spoke to the group as they waited for their final training session at Cobham to begin. He had Cole Palmer and Co in stitches with his latest gag.
McCulloch on the pitch at Cobham back in December – he addressed the group before the first leg of their Champions League tie with PSG
For all the laughs, McCulloch is simply good at his job, too. Lampard has described him as the ‘best masseur in the world’
Naturally, the squad spend a great deal of time with McCulloch. He goes wherever they go.
Maybe he cannot throw water over them when they are being interviewed like the old days, but they can have fun the modern way, with McCulloch and Malo Gusto revealing the handshake they had conjured up together after winning the Conference League last season. This one went well. The one he tried with then-owner Roman Abramovich after Chelsea won the Champions League final in 2021, less so. McCulloch got over that awkwardness by embracing his billionaire boss in a hug instead.
Earlier this season, you probably saw McCulloch pictured during a training session at Cobham with some tape stuck to his forehead with ‘always connected’ written on it. That was a private joke with the players. Poor timing, mind, as it gave social media another opportunity to have a pop at Liam Rosenior when his methods and mannerisms were already being mocked.
Of course, you do not last 25 years at a club like Chelsea by merely being the game’s answer to Ken Dodd. He is good at what he does. Lampard believes McCulloch helped him secure his Premier League record run of 164 consecutive appearances for Chelsea. ‘Best masseur in the world,’ the now Coventry City head coach has said of his old mate.
Appreciated for his care, too. When Terry was knocked unconscious during their 2007 League Cup final victory over Arsenal, having been booted in the face by Abou Diaby, McCulloch missed the trophy lift as he travelled with the club captain in the ambulance to the hospital. Mind you, when Terry came around, McCulloch put his hand on his shoulder and said: ‘I thought you were dead.’
In a world where football can be taken so seriously, and the turnover inside of it is ridiculously relentless, it is rather nice that figures such as McCulloch remain. He may even act as a source of comfort to Chelsea fans who have sensed their club changing of late. Still there. Still cracking one-liners in between rub downs. Still a Blue through and through.
