Dear Vix,
I’ve just lost my first love and I don’t think I’ll ever recover. I’m still in high school and we were together for five years. But recently she told me she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I don’t understand any of it – I thought we were happy? I thought we would be together forever!
We talked about the future and how we would get married and buy a house and get jobs near each other while she went to college and I got work to provide for us. How has she forgotten all of our plans? How can I get her back and what can I do to make her change her mind? I don’t know what happened to make her lose all her feelings for me.
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
I think all of our hearts are breaking, reading this. You are dealing with someone huge and painful and raw – your first heartbreak can feel mountainous and insurmountable. But I promise you: you will survive this.
I know it seems unthinkable, right now. I know you feel the weight of it every day, crushing you slowly. I know that it probably feels impossible to get up in the mornings and everything feels pointless. I know it feels like hell and it hurts, physically – it can even hurt to breathe. But you will survive this.
You won’t just survive it, but you will learn from it. Some people wait their entire lives to experience a love like you have had. Some never find it. One day, you will look back and remember how lucky you were to feel this kind of passion and pain. Because it means you have lived.
None of that is any comfort right now, I understand that – so here’s what I want you to do: focus on the tiniest things that make you feel good and that bring you joy. It can be as small as closing your eyes for a moment when the sun is streaming in through the window. Something that helps me, when I am sad, is stepping outside into the forest and walking to the local lake. When I’m looking at the water and the birds circling around it, it makes me feel more hopeful and grateful to be alive.
I don’t know what you enjoy (or what you feel you used to enjoy), but maybe arrange to hang out with a friend who you don’t have to “act” in front of. If you like games, get together to play a video game. If it’s sports, maybe you could watch a match on TV and eat something comforting – order in a pizza. Don’t put yourself under any pressure at all to do too much – keep that social time short. Only do as much as you feel able to.
Are you comfortable talking to a parent about how you’re feeling? Sometimes, our tendency is to hide away when something is hurting us. That can be misunderstood by our parents or carers – I certainly remember being branded “moody” or “having a bad attitude” when I was a teenager, when in fact I just felt sad or upset or angry. If you clue them in about what you’re going through, they will hopefully be sympathetic and will try to help – or, leave you alone (but it’s important to tell them what you want and need from them, if you can).
As for the girl you’ve lost: unfortunately, she is on her own path, right now. You can’t “force” her to come back or to change her mind, but what you can do is keep your own house clean. What that means is not lashing out, no matter how angry or hurt you feel. Not calling or texting or begging her to change her mind. Give her space to breathe and to see if she’s made the right decision. If you give her that space, without pressure, she will realise how she feels about it and whether she’s done the right thing.
I’m not promising anything and she may not change her mind. It would be best if you focus on you – on how to comfort and soothe yourself, on how to remember what you like to do and what you enjoy, as an individual (five years is a long time to spend as a two!). It’s time to refresh your memory of your own hobbies and passions. They will help you now. There are also lots of practical tips on how to recover from a horrible breakup, here.
Life is long and even though it doesn’t feel possible at the moment, you will – eventually – heal from this first, terrible, gut-wrenching heartbreak. But while you do, just know that we all understand how you are feeling. We’ve been there. It absolutely sucks. But you will survive this – I promise you that.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email [email protected]
