The Ashes are looming and the phoney war is already up and running.
With a little over six weeks to go until the first ball is sent down in Perth to begin the 2025-26 series, this promises to be one of the most hotly contested in recent memory.
Few sporting battles have seen quite as much animosity, profanity and – at times – outright hatred as the Ashes in its 143-year history. And that’s just the Aussies.
Here, Daily Mail Sport delves deep into the unique, long and sometimes ugly Australia-England cricketing rivalry to bring you a team of villains from Down Under (though, to be honest, we could easily have named a 2nd XI… and probably a 3rd XI too) to highlight what Ben Stokes and his men will be up against this winter.
1. David Warner
In case England fans had forgotten Warner’s charms, he popped up recently to suggest that Joe Root’s front pad resembled a surfboard, prompting Moeen Ali to call him ‘a bit of a clown’.
Warner and Root have previous, of course: when Root donned a joke beard at the Walkabout pub in Birmingham in 2013, Warner took offence – and a swing in his direction.
The former Aussie opener later explained: ‘I probably let my aggression and alcohol take over.’
Five years later, his involvement in Australia’s sandpaper ruse in Cape Town gave the Barmy Army plenty of material until he retired from Tests early last year. He will always go down as Stuart Broad’s bunny, too, with the England seamer having claimed his scalp an astonishing 17 times in Tests.
David Warner breaks down as he confesses to his part in Sandpapergate, when Australia doctored the ball during a Test against South Africa
Warner struggled to deal with Stuart Broad and was dismissed by the seamer 17 times in Tests
2. Cameron Bancroft
Among Warner’s sandpaper accomplices was Bancroft, these days captain of Gloucestershire, but back in 2017-18 central to a mischievous story cooked up by the Australian media.
On the first night of the tour, at The Avenue bar in Perth, Jonny Bairstow had greeted Bancroft with a strange but gentle headbutt – apparently a method of greeting in rugby league circles in the north of England.
No one thought much more of it until the news leaked, triggering a press conference at the end of the first Test in Brisbane at which Bancroft, having helped Australia to a 10-wicket win, had the room in stitches as he recounted the incident.
England didn’t know how to react, and their cluelessness was eventually reflected by a 4–0 series defeat.
Aussie batsman Cameron Bancroft has the room in stitches as he recounts the story of Jonny Bairstow’s strange but gentle headbutt back in 2017
Bancroft tries to avoid a short ball from Jofra Archer during the Lord’s Test in 2019
3. Clem Hill
A classy batsman at the turn of the 20th century, Hill had a problem with the nervous 90s, once making 99, 98 and 97 in successive innings against England (he had already registered a 96, and would later add another 98).
But he had an even bigger problem with uppity selectors, and may be the only man in Test history to end up in a brawl as a result.
When the Australians brains trust met to pick the team for the fourth Test against England at Melbourne in 1911-12, Hill and Peter McAlister, of the Australian Board of Control, became involved in a slanging match which at one point had Hill attempting to hurl McAlister out of the third-floor window.
The scrap concluded with Hill storming out, and a bloodied and beaten McAlister shouting: ‘Come back and fight, you coward.’
Hill ended up captaining Australia at the MCG, where England won by an innings and 225.
Short-tempered Aussie captain Clem Hill tried to throw a selector out of a third-floor window ahead of the fourth Test against England at Melbourne in 1911-12
The Australian cricket team during their tour of England in September 1899 with Clem Hill seated, bottom left
4. Allan Border (captain)
Early in his career, Border lost to England more often than he won. Then he turned up for the 1989 Ashes in a different frame of mind, banning the post-match pint with his opponents and telling his opposite number, and good friend, David Gower: ‘The last time I was here, I was a nice guy who came last.’
And so Border’s Australians went on the rampage, sweeping England aside 4–0 and dispensing with courtesies. When Robin Smith asked, mid-innings, if he could have a glass of water during the fifth Test at Trent Bridge, Border hissed: ‘No you f***ing can’t. What do you think this is – a f***ing tea party?’
Later, he had this response to some sledging from Angus Fraser: ‘I’ve faced bigger, uglier bowlers than you mate, now f*** off and bowl the next one.’
England spent most of the summer doing just that.
Allan Border (right) and Geoff Marsh enjoy a triumphant homecoming in Sydney in 1989 after winning the Ashes in England for the first time since 1975
Border made it clear to David Gower in 1989 that there would be no more Mr Nice Guy – before leading Australia to a crushing 4-0 win
5. Warwick Armstrong
His nickname – the Big Ship – reflected his 22st frame, and Armstrong steered Australia to victory in eight successive Ashes Tests against an England team depleted and demoralised after the First World War.
It’s safe to say he wasn’t universally popular. His Wisden obituary said he ‘bore himself in a way likely to cause offence’, and after his playing days as a combative, canny all-rounder, he became a ‘caustic’ journalist.
He rarely missed a chance to be awkward: after causing a stink about the legality of England’s declaration at Old Trafford in 1921, he took advantage of the subsequent delay to bowl a second consecutive over, unnoticed by the umpires.
Once, bored on the outfield at the Oval, he read a newspaper that had blown in from the stands. These days, he’d have been a match referee’s worst nightmare.
Warwick Armstrong, known as the Big Ship to reflect his 22-stone frame, steered Australia to victory in eight successive Ashes Tests against an England team depleted after the First World War
Aussie captain Armstrong (left) with England skipper Johnny Douglas in 1921. These days, Armstrong would be a match referee’s worst nightmare
6. Steve Waugh
If Border had to modify his persona to win the Ashes, Steve Waugh had no such trouble sticking it to the English.
His 46 Ashes Tests brought him 10 centuries and an average of 58, as well as a withering disregard for his opponents, both on and off the field: ‘Our unwritten motto was “Play hard, party hard”, while the Poms’ seemed to be, “Compete, then disappear”.’
He seemed to delight in rubbing in his team’s superiority, even wearing his Baggy Green cap during a visit to Wimbledon. And if England fans have to see one more replay of the century he brought up at Sydney off the last ball of the day during the 2002-03 Ashes, they won’t be held responsible for their actions.
Steve Waugh (left) dons his Baggy Green at Wimbledon in 2001 with fellow Aussie legends Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath
Waugh on his way to a century during the fifth test between Australia and England at the Sydney Cricket Ground in 2003
7. Ian Healy (wicket-keeper)
It was galling enough for England that Healy played in six Ashes series, between 1989 and 1998-99, and won the lot.
What made it worse was that, from his position behind the stumps, he almost never shut up. His favourite observation, after yet another Pommie batsman had done something daft, usually against Shane Warne, was the pithy: ‘Back to the nets, d***head.’
But he could do nuance, too, as Nasser Hussain discovered: suggesting a fielder stand ‘right under Nasser’s nose’, Healy pointed that fielder in the direction of extra cover.
Ian Healy’s favourite observation, after the dismissal of another Pommie batsman, was the pithy: ‘Back to the nets, d***head’
The Aussie wicketkeeper saved some of his best lines for Nasser Hussain
8. Merv Hughes
With his preposterous handlebar moustache and borderline beer belly, Merv Hughes was never going to be a fast-bowling wallflower.
But he was especially boisterous during the 1993 Ashes, when his sledging of Graeme Hick would often continue well after he had taken his wicket.
‘Mervyn, Mervyn!’ protested umpire Dickie Bird. ‘What has poor Mr Hick ever done to you?’ Hughes replied: ‘He offended me in a former life.’
Mike Atherton summed up Hughes’ modus operandi: ‘I couldn’t make out what he was saying, except that every sledge ended with “a***wipe”.’
Years later, and long retired, Hughes stormed into the Oval press box to confront the Daily Mail’s Charlie Sale over a critical item in his sports diary. It was as if he had poor Mr Hick in his sights all over again.
Aussie bowler Merv Hughes gives Graeme Hick some advice after dismissing the England batsman at Old Trafford in 1993
Hughes, pictured during that Ashes tour, enjoyed playing the role of the pantomime villain
9. Ian Meckiff
When England headed south to defend the Ashes in 1958-59, Australia were still fuming over what they believed was a doctored Old Trafford pitch, on which Jim Laker had taken his Test-record 19 wickets two-and-a-half years earlier.
They hit back with a piece of subterfuge of their own, picking Ian Meckiff, a seam bowler widely regarded as a chucker. England couldn’t believe their eyes, which didn’t bother Meckiff, who took 17 wickets at 17 in a 4-0 revenge Australian win.
Five years later, he was no-balled for throwing four times in an over during a Test against South Africa at Brisbane, and never played again.
Australia’s Ian Meckiff bowls to Arthur Milton of England in the Sydney Test in 1959. Meckiff was a chucker who took 17 wickets at 17 in a 4-0 series win for Australia
10. Fred Spofforth
Known universally as ‘The Demon’, Spofforth is arguably the founding father of mental disintegration, though he preferred glaring into the batsman’s eyes to sledging.
His most famous act was to bowl Australia to victory at the Oval in 1882, after storming into the England dressing room to berate WG Grace for running out Sammy Jones while he was out of his crease repairing a divot.
‘That will cost you the match,’ fumed Spofforth, and he was right. With England needing just 85, his figures of seven for 44 (and 14 for 90 in the game) bowled Australia to a seven-run win.
More than that, it gave rise to the creation of the Ashes, after a newspaper mourned the death of English cricket. Spofforth did not shed a tear.
Known as ‘The Demon’, Fred Spofforth is the founding father of mental disintegration, though he preferred glaring into the batsman’s eyes to sledging
Spofforth (back row, left) with the Australian team that toured England in 1878. Spofforth’s most famous act was to storm into the England dressing room to berate WG Grace for running out Sammy Jones while he was out of his crease repairing a divot
11. Jeff Thomson
Has any bowler ever looked more life-threatening than Thomson during the 1974-75 Ashes, when he and Dennis Lillee condemned England to a 4–1 thrashing? Thommo’s contribution was 33 wickets at under 18, having warmed up with some choice observations.
Aussie quick Jeff Thomson took no prisoners: ‘I enjoy hitting a batsman more than getting him out,’ he said. ‘I like to see blood on the pitch’
The Aussie quick, who took 200 Test wickets, was recorded as bowling 99.7mph in the 1970s
‘I enjoy hitting a batsman more than getting him out,’ he said. ‘I like to see blood on the pitch.’
He also summed up his attitude towards his English victims: ‘Stuff that stiff-upper-lip crap. Let’s see how stiff it is when it’s split.’
At a televised trial of speed cameras in the late 1970s, he was timed at 99.7mph, though injury meant he was never the same after terrorising England more than 50 years ago.
