We are all Victoria Starmer. No, really – ask any woman if she’s had to fix a smile on her face and grin through gritted teeth while an older man makes “lols” and instigates “banter” about our appearance or demeanour. Then ask her if she eye-rolled, silently, the moment she turned away.
Shocked? You really shouldn’t be – though you might not have seen it. We never let on, you see. We titter and giggle and do all the things you have to do simply to get through the ordeal so they’ll leave you alone – an exaggerated wink, a rib-nudge, an elbow pat, a waggling eyebrow Barbara Windsor would be proud of; Carry On, Mr President, perhaps.
But we women see you, Lady Starmer. We feel your pain.
We see you making a rare public appearance, being trotted out like a secret weapon off the back of a US-EU deal on trade, ahead of a talk on Gaza; we see you being brought up by the US president in an impromptu press conference in the same breath as he lols about whisky; as he is almost drowned out on his Scottish golf course steps by some rogue bagpipes: “Whisky? Well, we’ll talk about that. I didn’t know whisky was a problem. I’m not a big whisky drinker, but maybe I should be one of them. Maybe I’ll have some whisky today…”
We see you, doing your level best not to look openly confused by the “last person at the bar, let me tell you my life story”-style rhetoric while smiling at the cameras alongside your husband, Keir Starmer. Stoically and majestically ignoring Trump’s word salad segue from whisky to “making the prime minister happy” – by way of you, poor love.
For this is where “first lady as plot device” really came into fruition (though the other first lady, Melania Trump, was notable in her absence): “We want to make the prime minister happy,” Trump said, grasping Lady Starmer’s arm (and they always do. At some point, they always do).
“We want to make, by the way, your first lady, I would say first lady. She’s, she’s a respected person all over the United States!
“I don’t know what he’s doing, but she’s very respected – as respected as him! I don’t want to say more. I’ll get myself in trouble. But she’s married. She’s a great woman and very highly respected.”
Oh, Donald… pray, keep your word and don’t say more. Do anything but say more! Because we’ve heard it all before, really, we have.
We’ve all been in encounters with men like this – the ones who joke about getting themselves into trouble; the ones who sometimes veer from calling you a “great woman” to a “naughty girl”. It is usually, at this point, that we try to edge away – physically – from the old lech with a twinkle in his eye.
And The Donald is no stranger to accusations of lechery (and worse) – for not only is the president under pressure to release all files relating to the Epstein case, which he has so far refused to do despite a 2024 election promise – but in May 2023, a jury in New York found him liable for the sexual abuse of writer E Jean Carroll. The court ruled that Trump more likely than not sexually abused Carroll and awarded her $5m (£3.7m), while he was also accused of sexual assault by two other women.
If that wasn’t enough, there were the infamous “grab em by the p***y” comments in the Access Hollywood tape from the set of Days of Our Lives in 2005, when he was recorded talking about groping women and how “you can do anything” when you’re a “star” (then, in a statement issued on his behalf, blamed it on “locker room banter”).
Or, any one of his many other controversies which belie his attitude to women, such as calling a former Miss Universe “fat” and claiming he would date his daughter Ivanka if she were not related to him – and the comments he made right before the US election in 2024 to refute historic sexual assault allegations by the businesswoman Jessica Leeds, in which he said it “couldn’t have happened” because she “would not have been the chosen one”.
Women usually have a signal we give each other when we are in the orbit of men like this; we mouth things like “handsy” to each other or make a “vomit” gesture with our fingers and warn our friends to be careful not to stand too close.
“Girl code” serves us well when dealing with older men with bad reputations, particularly when they are powerful and entitled. It’s usually enough, thankfully, to make any woman give them a wide berth at a party – or press conference.
Of course, even when in the company of someone like Trump, Lady Starmer was a consummate professional. We shouldn’t be remotely surprised – after all, she was a lawyer who now works in the NHS as an occupational health worker. She must have experienced her fair share of tiresome old men.
And when Trump went on to say Starmer has a “perfect wife”, espousing: “I respect him much more today than I did before, because I just met his wife and family. He’s got a perfect wife and that’s never easy to achieve, right?” (to which, the prime minister replied: “I take no credit for that”) she simply smiled and laughed and acted every inch the good sport, like women have done – and will continue to do – for time immemorial – because it’s easier, because it’s polite, because we are tired.
All I (and perhaps she?) really wanted to do, however, was pretend to throw up.