Offering childcare support to your adult children during school holidays can be a deeply fulfilling experience for grandparents and a wonderful way to strengthen enduring bonds with grandchildren.
However, it can sometimes feel like walking on eggshells if expectations aren’t clearly discussed and mutually agreed upon.
We spoke to Amanda Macdonald, experienced psychotherapist, counsellor and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, to get some expert advice on how to navigate these awkward conversations…
How can grandparents set healthy boundaries with the child’s parents about scheduling, expectations and responsibilities?
In order to set healthy boundaries, communication is key.
“As with many things, planning in advance works best,” says Macdonald. “Having an ongoing communication with your adult children and their partners, and considering in advance what support you can offer over school holidays establishes clear boundaries from the start.
“A grandparent should take some time to consider the role they want to have and hope to have with their grandchildren, and be cautious about over-committing.”
How can grandparents clarify what they’re willing – and not willing – to do without causing tension?
Difficult conversations are important to address, so don’t tiptoe around them.
“Both parents and grandparents may have differing expectations, but not addressing things explicitly can cause bigger problems and ruptures in the relationship further down the line,” says Macdonald. “When communicating what you are willing, and not willing to do, set aside time to do with your adult child.
“Engaging in this conversation with curiosity and empathy.”
How do you suggest grandparents politely decline last-minute or extended babysitting requests?
Learning when to say no is crucial for protecting your own wellbeing.
“It’s so important that grandparents are aware of meeting their own needs, even if this involves saying no,” says Macdonald. “A daily check-in with yourself, and with your partner, can allow you to be aware of your own energy levels.”
Make sure you’re still able to keep up with the regular activities that you usually enjoy throughout the summer.
“Self-care is important, and also models to your adult children and grandchildren that taking time to pursue interests and maintain social connections is beneficial,” says Macdonald. “Let your adult children know about anything that you don’t want to cancel.
“While there isn’t a need to justify yourself, sharing with your adult children what it is about the appointment or commitments that gives you joy can enrich your relationship, and don’t forget to find out what they enjoy to do, as well.”
What do you recommend if grandparents feel like their input on childcare is being ignored or dismissed?
“As with any potential conflict, the best approach is to take some time, and try to take a step back to understand what is happening for your adult children,” recommends Macdonald. “Parents have to be able to make many decisions, often quickly, at all times of day and night, this is an essential parenting skill. It can make sense that parents don’t want to change the way they do something, or actively tell you not to do something with the children.”
Macdonald also encourages grandparents to reflect on just how exhausting juggling young children and work can be.
“Your adult children may be keen for help, but also understandably cautious about their way of parenting not being followed,” says the counsellor. “Allow your adult child to explain what their wishes are, and remember you both share an intention to keep the children involved safe and happy.”
What strategies can help keep communication open and respectful between generations?
Ongoing communication will help ensure a successful summer of childcare.
“Let each other know how things are going. If you feel like something isn’t working then this can help extended families work through challenges,” recommends Macdonald.
In addition, try to keep in mind that your adult children and their partners are raising their kids in a world that differs in many ways from the one in which you raised yours.
“There are fears around children being online, and children will generally have less freedoms in some areas such as playing outside,” reflects Macdonald. “However, there are some things that remain the same, children need to play, and learn and grow by play. And both parents and grandparents can take delight in this and in their shared love and concern for the grandchildren.”
