When footy great Troy Selwood took his life in February, his death produced an outpouring of emotion from fans, and past and present stars, but none were as public or as raw as his funeral at the Geelong Cats’ home ground.
The Lions premiership-winner’s brothers Joel, Scott and Adam poured their hearts out in front of the mourners – and now, just three months later, Joel, Scott and the rest of their family have been shattered by the unimaginable news that Adam is also gone, taken by his own hand.
On Sunday, News Corp columnist Andrew Bolt wrote that his first reaction to the service for Troy was ‘oh, no’ because, in his view, celebrating the lives of those who have killed themselves adds to the ‘devastation that suicides leave behind’.
Bolt – who was at pains to point out that he was in no way criticising the two departed Selwood brothers – argued that there can’t be any reasonable doubt that ‘Troy’s suicide helped to trigger Adam’s’.
He wrote that what ‘scared’ him about Troy’s funeral was ‘commemorating the dead as tragic souls we could have, should have, saved. Elevating the dead into tragic heroes of their own lives, to whom much was owed and from whom nothing better should have been expected.’
Pointing to examples of how suicide can be ‘socially contagious’ as it causes a domino effect among those close to the departed, he wondered if Troy’s death should now be remembered ‘as not the end of great suffering, but the cause of even more’.
Adam Selwood is pictured addressing the crowd at his twin brother Troy’s funeral in February
Pictured left to right: Troy’s sister Brit, brother Joel, mother Maree, father Bryce and brother Adam support each other during the ceremony
News Corp columnist Andrew Bolt (pictured) has argued against commemorations like the one held for Troy, saying they celebrate the lives of suicides who leave devastation in their wake
It’s a stance that is plainly intended to help reduce the chances of these sorts of all-too-common tragedies occurring again – but I still think it misses the mark.
I get how people could see the commemoration of household names like Troy and Adam – or other footy stars such as the NRL’s Paul Green – as paying homage to people who have inflicted shattering suffering on the loved ones they leave behind.
You only have to read footy fans’ online reactions to Adam’s death to realise many Aussies agree with that take.
However, I get something very different out of the remembrances of stars like Troy, Adam, Danny Frawley, Shane Tuck… the list, sadly, just goes on and on.
I find it hard to believe that anyone who takes their own life does so with a focus on hurting the people they leave behind.
And when we pay tribute to them by recalling the love they had for others, the love they earned from friends and family, the huge impact they had on the lives of people they never even met, we remind ourselves precisely why suicides are so particularly awful.
It’s not just the pain of losing them, it’s the pain of not knowing – never knowing – what they were going through.
Unlike people who die of disease or through accidents or crimes or misadventure, no diagnosis, medical record or autopsy will ever reveal exactly what they were struggling with and how they tried to fight back against it.
Adam (left) and Troy Selwood are pictured in 2022 as Joel announced his retirement. United by family and footy in life, they’re now united by a pair of devastating tragedies
Refusing to pay tribute to what made Adam Selwood (pictured in 2020) so well loved wouldn’t tell his full story, leaving the manner of his death to be the thing that defines him
Which is why people who say suicide is the coward’s way out, or say victims of suicide should not be made out to be ‘tragic heroes’ are missing something important.
Who are we to guess what was going on in their heads when they did something nobody in their right mind would consider?
Who is anyone to say that the dearly departed didn’t put up a heroic fight against their demons? That they didn’t battle bravely right to the end, enduring unknown horrors so they could spend that extra day, extra hour with their family, mates and teammates?
So like Bolt, my reaction to services like the one held for Troy is ‘oh, no’ – but unlike Bolt, my dismay stems solely from the fact that the services are necessary, that the tragedies occurred in the first place.
I’m not dismayed by the message those services can be seen to send: that if you take your own life, you’ll be remembered kindly despite the devastation you leave in your wake.
Whatever your view is about people who kill themselves, I don’t think the way they died should be allowed to taint everything else they did in their life to the degree that it’s not considered worthy of celebration.
Adam and Troy Selwood deserve to be remembered for all the good they did, not in order to paint them as tragic heroes, but because doing so is what they deserve, and the only way to truly remember who they were and what they stood for.
People who don’t want stars who take their own lives to be remembered as ‘tragic heroes’ miss the point that it’s possible to heroically fight suicidal urges – and lose
It’s also a stark reminder to everyone who was touched by them that suicide is a uniquely devastating way for a life to end – and not just for those who live on to deal with the aftermath.
Suicide is often stealthy beyond detection, the end result of an unseen battle that only one person ever knows the truth of.
Now there are calls for Aussie sport and society as a whole to do more, care more, be more aware, ask more questions, to strive to see the signs before it’s too late and we’re confronted by another tragedy like Adam Selwood’s.
Perhaps re-living the things that make us miss people like Adam will fuel our desire to tackle the problem.
Perhaps it won’t.
But why not leave no stone unturned and celebrate the best of them at the same time?
For confidential 24-hour support in Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14
