John D Rockefeller was the first billionaire of the United States of America and, at one point, the richest man on Earth.
When a reporter asked him how much money was enough, he had a pithy response. ‘Just a little bit more…’
The ethos of the old boy lives on in a Celtic commercial operation one step away from bottling fresh air and selling it to the kind of people who treat an email from a Nigerian prince as the cue to reach for the bank card.
At the last count, Scotland’s champions had £77million in the bank. There’s another £40m winging its way from this season’s Champions League. A point against Club Brugge the other night was worth £600,000 alone. They are, by some distance, the wealthiest club in the country.
Yet, for £29.99 a year — or £49.99 for three — Celtic fans are now invited to rent a ‘patch of paradise’.
Not an actual patch of Paradise you understand, but a virtual patch of grass. A pixelated square on a computer screen with its own co-ordinates and a certificate of ownership (newsflash: you don’t actually own anything).
With Christmas fast approaching, the novelty gift is sure to go down a storm among some fans
The Champions League came to town this week, no doubt increasing the ‘value’ of the home turf
Some fans would gladly pay to ‘own’ a piece of turf bearing the bootprints of the likes of Maeda
Known as NFTs — non-fungible tokens — clubs in England have been peddling this tawdry tat for some time.
Last year, Manchester City announced a ‘collaborative digital art drop’ inviting fans to purchase a design of ‘City astronauts honing their skills in an extra-terrestrial training facility on their way to the blue moon’. Punters who bought that must have received a hell of a jolt when they realised that the moon wasn’t made of cheese.
Now football brings us the concept of ‘virtual turf’, the most objectionable, egregious cash grab yet.
Dundee United were the first Scottish team to sign up. Facing eye-watering legal bills after a power struggle with their own shareholders, Livingston were next.
Even the SFA are offering non-existent chunks of Hampden to the Tartan Army. And you almost have to admire the governing body pitching this drivel to the fanbase who ripped up the Wembley pitch and carted it home on the Football Special from King’s Cross.
When the real thing is sitting on the mantelpiece, these guys don’t have much time for cheap imitations.
Never slow to rail against the shameless capitalism of the boardroom suits, Celtic fans have implored their club to catch a grip and read the room.
A friend from the Saturday morning fives tells of paying £618 for a season ticket. He shelled out another £172 for his four home games in this season’s Champions League (plus the booking fee). At the end of last season, he shelled out £50 for his Scottish Cup final ticket. Throw in the annual replica jersey, programmes and pies and he’s paying more than enough for his little slice of Paradise already.
Celtic fans are already reeling from the news that there are no plans to cut season ticket prices
In 2014, Celtic re-laid their pitch after hosting the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony and diehards were invited to buy eight centimetre cubes of the old surface with the club crest and a certificate of authenticity in a presentation box.
At least that gave them something tangible for the money. All this latest skit provides is further damning evidence of football losing the plot in the relentless quest to find new ways to part supporters from their wages.
Last year a group of MPs on Westminster’s Culture, Media and Sport committee warned football clubs that they risked damaging their reputation with fan tokens and cautioned them against exploitation of the gullible.
Sportli, the firm behind this whole enterprise, promise that a ‘donation’ from every purchase will go directly to Celtic’s charitable foundation. With the club’s Christmas Appeal in full swing, that’s something at least.
In a week, when Nicolas Kuhn and Luke McCowan paid a visit to local charity Loaves and Fishes, however, you have to feel for the Celtic employees doing their bit to help vulnerable people through the festive season while the marketing arm of the same club flog them the digital equivalent of the Emperor’s New Clothes.
Virtual turf shines an unflattering light on how football clubs really view supporters.
All that guff over ‘the greatest fans in the world’ becomes trite, empty and meaningless the minute they pull another cheap stunt to part them from their hard-earned greenbacks. At a time of year when family budgets are stretched by Christmas and rising fuel bills, tone deaf barely covers it.
Maybe someone will read this and, instead, decide that a virtual chunk of Hampden or Parkhead or Tannadice or Almondvale sounds like the perfect festive stocking filler for the kids or grandkids.
Livingston were among the first clubs to sign up for ‘virtual turf’ sales, despite playing on plastic!
Should anyone you know fall into that category, feel free to urge them to get in touch as soon as possible. This column has a bridge to sell them.
Time for Hearts to cut their losses on Lawrence
The rise and fall of Lawrence Shankland has become a painful watch. A reminder of how quickly the tides ebb and flow in football.
Last season the Hearts captain could do no wrong. He scored 33 goals, turned down a lucrative new contract, swept up the player of the year awards and made a strong case for a Scotland start at Euro 2024.
Six months later he looks a broken man. One goal in 20 games and suddenly he can barely strike a barn door with a beach ball.
He was missing that penalty against Cercle Brugge from the moment he started his run-up. Confidence shot to bits, the abuse of the travelling fans was unhelpful and ungrateful.
But for his goals last season they’d have spent midweek watching Coronation Street instead of supping Belgian lager.
All that said, manager Neil Critchley can’t afford to put the needs of one individual before the needs of the team.
Lawrence Shankland is struggling badly for confidence at Hearts this season
Igamane has grabbed his chance with both hands and must keep his place ahead of Dessers
Out of contract this summer, Shankland shows no sign of agreeing a new deal. Come January 1 Hearts should sign a replacement and move him on. His time is up.
Igamane impact should secure Dessers’ place as back-up option
That should be that for Cyriel Dessers in the Rangers starting XI.
Relegated to the bench for the Europa League thrashing of Nice, replacement Hamza Igamane stole the show when he bullied some laughably inept defenders, polished off two goals and laid on another. Just like that.
Say this much for Dessers. When Igamane left the pitch to an ovation from the travelling fans, the big guy gave him a bear hug which looked as sincere as they come.
Beneath the chronic hesitation and erratic finishing lurks a decent human being. An exemplary professional who never hides and does his best.
With ten strikes in 22 appearances, Dessers still has a role to play at Rangers. The trouble is that too few of his goals come in the games that matter and he missed another sitter in the south of France. He’s a back up and no more.
Philippe Clement showed his confidence in Igamane by handing him a starting jersey in the south of France. The young striker grabbed his chance with both hands and has earned the opportunity to improve the team’s ropey form in domestic football. Someone has to.
